The Quest of the Walrus
by Big Friendly Walrus
Summary: What was it like to live in the Chocolate Factory when Wonka lost his grip on sanity? What was it like to see your only living family in the grip of a sadistic maniac? Find out as we take a break from the action and delve deep into the past with 'Charlie'
1. Exile

Chapter 1  
  
Exile  
  
"You fucking son of a bitch. I saw what you wrote. We're not going to forget this."  
  
~ George W. Bush  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus sat in the psychiatrist's couch.  
  
"Ah," Said the psychiatrist, a blue-furred beast with glaring yellow eyes, "Ze problem ez zat you are a zick twizted individual. But, but I notized that your reviewz are brutally honezt. Too brutal, you being ze zick homizidal pyromaniac that you are."  
  
"Umm..." Said the Big Friendly Walrus, gingerly stroking his tusks. "I haven't killed anyone, nor have I set anyone on fire."  
  
"Zat is bezides thee point." Said the psychiatrist. "Ze must learn on how to rezpect one another. Why do you pozt such thingz?"  
  
"My mother..." Said the walrus. "She..."  
  
"Yez?" Said the doctor. It was on the verge of a breakthrough. It knew it.  
  
"...she makes me go to these would-be doctors, wasting my time."  
  
The creature sighed. "Very well. Ze must get--"  
  
"Excuse me, sir. But I need to go now."  
  
"Ze have not finished ze zession!"  
  
Two men wearing worn-out Arctic parkas burst in holding tranquilizer guns.  
  
"My God!" Gasped the first one. "The Blue Yeti! IT EXISTS!"  
  
The second raised his fist. "Do you hear me, Science Institute? I am not crazy! Do you hear me?! All these years of exploration were not useless! I shall be famous! I discovered a breakth-- YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"  
  
The Blue Yeti wrenched the gun from his hand, pulling off his hand with it. A bright burst of blood sprayed out, coating the blue fur.  
  
The second man aimed his gun. The next second his entrails were covering his hands.  
  
The Blue Yeti took out a comb and carefully combed its fur.  
  
"Ah, yez. Now, where were we?" But the Big Friendly Walrus was nowhere to be seen.  
  
Outside, the Big Friendly Walrus flopped out. "Hello. It is good to see you after so after so long."  
  
His butler, the Little Mean Walnut nodded his head. "How was your session?"  
  
"I am afraid it is nothing but a misguided do-gooder."  
  
"I see. Shall I take care of it?"  
  
The Walrus held up a flipper. "Do not let it trouble you. I have not seen home in a while. Let us go."  
  
Ah. FanFiction.net. Home.  
  
The Walrus got inside the car and the Walnut drove. After a while, Little Mean Walnut noticed something. "Sir, something's going on out there." Indeed it was. His mansion was in flames.  
  
"NO!" Cried BFW. "All my hard work destroyed! The one about Artemis raping Holly! The one about Artemis and Butler resorting to cannibalism! ALL DESTROYED!"  
  
"Who could do such a thing?" Gasped LMW.  
  
"I did." Shouted a voice. Walrus noticed it at once. Princess Karita, the 12 year old tyrant. "You plagiarized my story and for that you shall pay."  
  
"It was just a light-hearted parody!"  
  
"SILENCE!" She snarled. "I hereby command you banished from this realm!"  
  
"No, wait!" Cried the Walrus. "Please, have mercy!"  
  
Several Bots grabbed the Walrus and Butler. "You have failed to follow the FanFiction guidelines. Destruction is imminent."  
  
A vortex opened up in thin air. "You are banished." Said the bots. They grabbed the Walrus and his loyal butler, throwing him into the vortex. As soon as they were sucked up, it disappeared.  
  
"I told him not to piss me off! MWU-HAHAHAH! Gack!" Two Bots hit her back, causing her to cough up a pink lollipop. 


	2. The Realm of Artemis FanFics

Chapter 2  
  
The Realm of Artemis FanFics  
  
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...uh, you can't fool me again."  
  
~ George W. Bush  
  
In another realm, the vortex opened. The inhabitants did not notice the friendly walrus and the mean walnut fall in.  
  
"Where are we?" Muttered BFW.  
  
"In the Realm of Artemis FanFics." Muttered a cloaked person. "I too have been banished here from my people."  
  
"Where did you come from?" Asked LMW.  
  
"The Realm of Stephen King. There, I was a great and powerful wizard. Here, I am just a freak accident of a Mary Sue."  
  
"How are you an accident?"  
  
"Because I'm a male! If I were a female, I could at least pose to be Artemis's cousin, then intimidate and fall in love with him. Even if I did, two cousins having sex usually causes the baby to be deformed."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"But even his mock cousins are being delayed. Look."  
  
Artemis's mansion stood near a hill. An impossibly long line of stunningly intelligent and beautiful criminal masterminds was waiting to enter. A blond haired wrestler was pushing them away.  
  
"I am sorry!" She cried. "Artemis and Butler are not here now! Please go somewhere else! Be a new student at Hogwarts and fall in love with Draco, I don't care! Just go!"  
  
"We are perfect. We can wait." Responded the cousins.  
  
"Do you know where Artemis is?" Asked the BFW to the Dark Man.  
  
"No. Alas, I do not. If I did maybe he could help me escape."  
  
"Do you want to join us to find him?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
The trio kept on walking when they heard shouts and cries from another house.  
  
"Get out! Out! OUT!" Sobbed a prepubescent girl to Artemis and Butler.  
  
"You won the contest." Artemis sighed, manicuring his toenails. "I am by obligation to stay."  
  
"I won a T-shirt and a book signed by Eoin Colfer! NOT a snotty Irish boy and his manservant!"  
  
BFW nudged the Dark Man.  
  
"I see." The three walked up the stairs.  
  
"May we be of any assistance?"  
  
"YES! Tell Artemis to move his incredibly fat ass to get out here!"  
  
"You should be congratulating us." Coughed Artemis. "Recently Holly and I have crossed the boundaries of social order between fairies and humans and fell in love with each other like two second-graders frolicking in the mud. Isn't that right, poo?" He said to Holly. Holly giggled. She was wearing nothing but Artemis's T-shirt.  
  
"Oh, Artemis!" She cried. "The baby just kicked!"  
  
"Ho, ho, ho! FANTASTIC!" The two began passionately embracing.  
  
"AAAAAGH!" Cried the girl, Shannon. She furiously pulled at her hair. "If I could only get away from this!"  
  
"Care to join us?" Said the Dark Man. He had just looked away from Artemis and Holly, who had begun stripping each other. "We too are trying to escape."  
  
"I'd be delighted too!" Turning around, she shouted to the two passionate lovers, "I'll see that you get eviction orders!"  
  
Butler simply pulled down his pants and faced the team.  
  
"My bum is in your lips! My bum is in your lips! Bend down and give it a little kiss!"  
  
"Let's go." Said the Dark Man. "Queen Sue will not be happy."  
  
"Queen Sue?" Asked the BFW. "Who's she?"  
  
"Mary Sue," Began Shannon. "Is like an ominous figure who can take and create many forms. She is virtually indestructible. She cries diamonds. She is a great cook. Could hack into the CIA's computers at the age of three. Has an intelligence of 253. Is an expert fighter. Is able to make Artemis cry for his mommy with a single e-mail. Knows everything. Slit her wrists, cut her throat, and push her down the stairs. At the last second, true love will save her."  
  
"Ouch." Said the LMW. "She sounds tough."  
  
"She is. She's the one who guards the gateway."  
  
There was a loud crashing sound as Artemis saw a car drive really fast. Kids were in the car, holding guns.  
  
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!  
  
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!  
  
MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!  
  
LMW grabbed his friends and pushed them out of the way.  
  
BFW wiped sweat from his wrinkled, blubbery hide. "What were those kids doing with guns?"  
  
"Every kid has a permit to own a gun." Said the Dark Man. "Its like a right."  
  
"What is this twisted dimension?" BFW screamed.  
  
"As I explained--,"  
  
"I was being rhetorical, you dolt."  
  
"Its horrible." Shannon muttered. "Every single kid who is in acquaintance with Artemis is a criminal mastermind. Whatever happened to normal kids?"  
  
"You know. Queen Sue took out a special DNA-coded--"  
  
"She was being rhetorical, you dolt."  
  
"Stop making insulting me, or I'll see that you get permanently banned!"  
  
"I'm already banned."  
  
"Oh."  
  
The LMW looked at Shannon. "Do you know where Queen Sue is?"  
  
"In a castle. However, the key to enter is being hidden by a mystical wolf."  
  
"Where is this wolf?"  
  
"Right there." Shannon pointed a wolf in a booth that read 'STEP RIGHT UP! KILL THE MYSTICAL WOLF! TRY YOUR LUCK!'  
  
The wolf grinned. "Come and get me, blubbercakes."  
  
The Walrus took out a gun and pointed it between the wolf's head.  
  
BLAM!  
  
BLAM!  
  
BLAM!  
  
The wolf fell down, the crimson blood staining the snow. It got up, shakily. It was pissed off.  
  
"You never should have done that, you bitch...now you will pay!!!"  
  
With that it lunged at the blubbery mammal with a penchant for erotic fiction.  
  
"NO!" Cried a voice behind the walrus. Suddenly, he was surrounded by a purple shield.  
  
"What the--?"  
  
He turned around. A cloaked figure stood there. Diamond tears ran down its cheeks.  
  
"Why did you have to do that?" She sobbed, touching the wolf's head.  
  
"Well, he called me blubbercakes!"  
  
The stranger looked at the wolf. Then...  
  
"Heal."  
  
The group stared in amazement as brown sparks echoed from her fingertips. The blood began to stop flowing. Alas, the wound was too big, her magic too low and the wolf too old. The creature looked at her as its eyes began to glaze over. It fell to the ground with a whimper.  
  
The creature disappeared in a blue mist.  
  
All were silent.  
  
The Dark Man opened his mouth to speak.  
  
"Nifty!"  
  
The cloaked stranger screamed in a rage and threw the sorcerer five feet away.  
  
"Ouchies!"  
  
Shannon now knew who this strange person was, but still asked anyway.  
  
"Who are you?" She whispered.  
  
The stranger pulled down her hood, revealing the face of a teenage girl. Her lips were pure red, her skin white as snow. Her eyes were like diamonds. Her hair was as black as night, so long it went down her back.  
  
She ripped off her cloak, revealing a very sexy outfit. Everything that could be bared and still not be rated R was shown. She was slim and graceful. She was beautiful.  
  
"I thought you'd never ask." She cackled. "Behold! I am the girl who can disable the CIA's computers at the mere age of three!  
  
I am the girl who can intimidate Artemis Fowl with a simple e-mail threatening to disable his computer service!  
  
I am the young wizard who moves into Gryffindor, and falls in love with Harry and redeems Snape!  
  
I am the girl who ruins the protagonist's self-esteem, flirts with him, falls in love only to die tragically in his arms!  
  
I am the creation of pimply girls who couldn't get a date with Quasimodo with a case of leprosy.  
  
I am power.  
  
I am legion.  
  
I am...  
  
MARY SUE!!!!!!!" 


	3. The Perfectionist

Chapter 3  
  
The Perfectionist  
  
"The people...want a [leader] that appeals to the angels..."  
  
~ George W. Bush  
  
"Face me, human, if you dare!" Howled Mary Sue.  
  
"Make my day." Said Shannon. "I have to clean Butler's underwear. You don't scare me. Not one bit."  
  
"I SHOULD! I am so perfect, if you were to stand by me you would not seem as perfect as me!"  
  
"What's the big deal?" Said the Dark Man. "No one's perfect. That's why everyone hates you. You're so unrealistic."  
  
"Wise words coming from a mouth like yours, Gary Stu!"  
  
"What makes you think I am perfect in terms of a demon? I wet the bed each night."  
  
"Yeah," Said the Big Friendly Walrus. "What makes you so annoying is you are usually written to be a normal teen."  
  
"SILENCE, BLUBBERY ONE!" She howled sending out a lightning bolt.  
  
A portal opened from another dimension. An older Holly stepped out and was zapped by the lightning bolt.  
  
"YEAAAARRRRGHHHH!" She cried.  
  
In Another Universe...  
  
Artemis lay in bed with his wife Juliet, staring at the ceiling. A thin line of whiskers covered his lower face.  
  
He was remembering how in love he had been with Holly. However, they both knew that Juliet was the one meant for Artemis. They also knew if Artemis stopped this silly charade, the corny music would stop playing.  
  
Angeline Fowl had once told Artemis some silly Michelle Branch song was playing in the background whenever she thought of Artemis Fowl senior. 'Song-fics' she had called them.  
  
Artemis remembered how Juliet had sent letters to Artemis, saying how she sobbed in her pillows each night thinking of Artemis.  
  
Artemis looked at Juliet. Ungrateful, melodramatic bitch.  
  
DING-DONG!  
  
Artemis got up and headed towards the door.  
  
DING-DONG!  
  
"Goddamit, I'm coming." He muttered. He staggered towards the door and opened it.  
  
Julius Root stood there. Tears were streaming down his cheeks.  
  
"Artemis, I'm sorry. Holly died saving a big, friendly walrus."  
  
Artemis stared.  
  
"She w-was planning in ninety years o-on m-musing on s-subject of your d- death while b-being pregnant with Captain Trouble's baby." He began crying.  
  
"Thank you for coming." Artemis said stiffly.  
  
Root nodded. He blew his nose with a loud honk. "The LEP's sympathies are with you."  
  
Artemis closed the door.  
  
"Who was that, honey?" Said Juliet coming down the stairs.  
  
Goddam bitch, Artemis thought. She looks like goddam Anna Nicole Smith.  
  
"Artemis?"  
  
"You bitch...stealing me from Holly. If it weren't for you, she'd be alive."  
  
"But Artemis, I love you!"  
  
"Yeah, and you gained 200 pounds."  
  
"Artemis!"  
  
Artemis ran up the stairs and brought his fists into her mouth. Teeth flew out from jagged stumps.  
  
"ARTE-MIIIIIIIIIIIIS!" She cried.  
  
For the next five years Artemis went on a killing spree of fat women under the name of Aardvark Arty. His warped plan was to create a woman suit. The LEP managed to take him down with the help of a cannibalistic dwarf.  
  
The said dwarf escaped by ripping off a guard's face and using it as his own. He then drugged a fairy and dined on Root's brain.  
  
Back at the Realm...  
  
Mary Sue gave a scream of rage and flung a lightning bolt at the Walrus again.  
  
Another portal opened and Artemis stepped out. "Is this the Ghost Planet? Daddy? Where are you, Daddy? Daddy? Da-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!"  
  
Mary Sue took out another bolt and threw it.  
  
Artemis came out of a portal. "Ho, ho! What a fine school full of rivals for me to--ARRRRRGH!"  
  
In the next ten minutes, the snow was littered with dead Arties.  
  
The Walrus grinned.  
  
Mary Sue felt the energy ball form in her hand.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
She threw at her house, causing the window to crash.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
She threw one at the Walrus.  
  
Suddenly a bright attractive girl with an abusive grandpa fell out.  
  
"Hi, I'm Elizabeth! I like to-- YEAAAAH!!!!"  
  
Mary Sue unleashed her full fury. A huge mass of fire flew from her hands at top speed.  
  
A portal opened. The Olsen Twins stepped out.  
  
"Oh, they're so CUTE!" Said the Dark Man.  
  
"Hi!" They said in unison. "We're the Olsen Twins. We love going to foreign places to meet sexy foreign twins and solve foreign mysteries! That's all our career is lim-- AAAARGH!!!!"  
  
"Enough games, Walrus." Mary Sue hissed, "We settle this as equals."  
  
Using her telekinetic powers she crashed the Walrus into her house and went inside.  
  
"We fight. Walrus against Perfectionist. Writer of erotic fiction that offends twelve year olds against a classic poet. Ugly, wrinkled blubber against creamy white skin. The Big Friendly Walrus against Mary Sue. We fight as equals. There are no Artemises to save you. No last minute sacrifices."  
  
"Equal? To a Mary Sue? Gosh, am I impressed."  
  
Mary Sue grabbed an axe from a rare suit of armor she had acquired in France.  
  
"YEEARRRRGH!" She howled and swung the axe. It sliced at the blubber, but the skin was too wrinkly and tough to make a serious mark. The Walrus dodged out of the way in pain, and the axe slashed into the floor.  
  
The Walrus sent his powerful flipper, and sent Mary Sue flying.  
  
"Ugh!" She cried. "You shouldn't have done that." She ripped out an exotic painting of a nude monkey and bashed it against the walrus's head.  
  
The walrus telepathically sent out plankton. They swarmed over Mary Sue.  
  
"You shouldn't have made me look small..." He muttered. "You shouldn't have made me look small..."  
  
"YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" She screamed. She turned her body to solid metal. The plankton slid off. Then, she made her metal melt off with the plankton.  
  
"Now you've pissed me off." She breathed. She sent a powerful kick hurtling towards his skull. He ducked, and hit her in the lower abdomen with a flipper. "ACH!" She cried.  
  
She did a deadly uppercut, sending the BFW flying. The Big Friendly Walrus looked up, dazed. Perfect.  
  
She let loose a hail of deadly kicks and punches. Blood streamed out of the walrus's nose.  
  
"You were a fool to think you can overcome Mary Sue." She grinned. She prepared to crack his ribs. "Destruction is imminent." She was about to jump on his chest when the walrus kicked his flipper up.  
  
"Yaaaaaah!" She cried as she lost her balance and fell on the walrus's left tusk. There was a sickening crunch as it burrowed through her chest and went up through her back. "Hak!"  
  
With a failing strength, she pressed her palms against the floor and struggled to get up. The tusk was like a splinter; as much as she tried to get it out, it went deeper.  
  
"Ugh..." She moaned and finally wrenched free. She landed on the floor with a thud. "It's...not as bad as it...looks..." She grinned.  
  
The walrus said nothing. He tried wiping the blood from his tusk, but it left a rusty color.  
  
"Huhhk..." She coughed up blood. Crimson droplets dribbled from her mouth. "Its...too bad that...you didn't...have a more...public forum."  
  
Ron Weasley ran in. "Hi, Mary! Thanks for saving Hogwarts from...YOU BLOODY MURDERER!" He cried upon seeing the ghastly sight.  
  
"Its not what it looks like!" The Big Friendly Walrus tried saying, but the wizard was gone.  
  
"Hee hee hee!" Mary Sue chuckled. "You're...going to be a-a big...hit with my followers. Hee!"  
  
Mary Sue tried to stand up. She staggered over to a spot near her enemy. "I'll...see you in...huk...Hell."  
  
The new hobbit to join Frodo on his quest, the new student at Gryffindor, the elusive criminal mastermind that falls in love with Artemis and knows about fairies even that you'd rather have your genitals nibbled by monkeys from China than accomplish such a feat, the new Gunslinger, the only person who could save Spider-Man fell to the floor with a thump.  
  
Mary Sue was dead. 


	4. Of Plotholes and Oompa Loompas

Chapter 4  
  
Of Plotholes and Oompa Loompas  
  
"They misunderestimated me."  
  
~ George W. Bush  
  
Mary Sue was dead.  
  
The expression on her face was a grimace of hate and pain.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He was too exhausted to talk.  
  
Mary Sue's body began to fade away. Her body was becoming lighter and more transparent with each passing second. A blue hue surrounded her body. Then the large bulge in the dress where her impossibly large breasts fell back. There was nothing left but her dress.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus looked down. There was something gold shining from the collar. With trembling flippers he reached out and picked it up. The key to escape this place!  
  
"Wait a second." He said. "Wasn't the key hidden by that wolf? And wasn't it supposed to bring me to this castle that I am standing in?"  
  
"It is a plothole!" Said an overweight man besides him. He wore nothing but underpants and a long red cape. His hair was a fine pink.  
  
"Who are you?" The BFW said.  
  
"I am the Plot Hole Man!" He cried. "Hit it boys!"  
  
Several midgets with green hair began swarming the room.  
  
""Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do  
  
Listen to us and what we say to you!" They sang in unison.  
  
"Why is Briar Cudgeon alive and well,  
  
when he got killed in a place that's not Taco Bell?  
  
It is a plot hole!  
  
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da!  
  
If you are wise you will listen to us!"  
  
The Dark Man, the Little Mean Walnut and Shannon looked inside.  
  
"Look at those cute lil' buggers!" Said the Dark Man.  
  
"Are they single?" Wondered Shannon.  
  
"Why did Harry's dad come out Voldemort's wand first?  
  
When it went in reverse order and he was the first to burst?  
  
It is a plothole!  
  
"Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do!  
  
If you are wise you will listen to us!  
  
Many times writers would rather sit on their ass,  
  
Rather than editing their stories quick and fast!  
  
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da!  
  
If you are wise you will listen to us!"  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus looked at it. "Going home so easy...it just doesn't seem right."  
  
The Plot Hole Man thought for a bit. "Okay, instead of going home the key will bring you to a random place. Not only will this lengthen the story but also it will give you many adventures while you painstakingly try to get home. It will also give the author a bigger ego because of all the praise he's been getting, because most of the reviews before were negative and resorted to threatening the author with sharp weapons. That alright with you?"  
  
The Walrus looked at his friends. "Uh-- sure."  
  
The Plot Hole man handed him the key. "Enjoy!"  
  
The Dark Man, Little Mean Walnut and Shannon climbed inside the window.  
  
"Well, what is it?" Asked the Little Mean Walnut.  
  
"Weren't you peeking your heads in?"  
  
"Yes, but please recap it for those at home who couldn't understand what the Plot Hole Man said."  
  
"Well, if I insert this key into thin air, then it'll transport us to a random place."  
  
"Should we do it, sir?" Asked the Little Mean Walnut. "After all, wouldn't it be more safe to ask for an exit than use a key from a dead fictional girl with breasts the size of basketballs based on the help from an overweight man with pink hair?"  
  
"Who cares? After all, 'danger' is my middle name!"  
  
"I thought it was 'Friendly'."  
  
"Well, ah, um...lets just go."  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus took out a key and hooked it into thin air. It began to turn. A hole in the air opened, and the group climbed in. The hole then vanished.  
  
The only people in the room were the Plot Hole man and his Oompa Loompas.  
  
The door crashed open and a foul smelling man with a potbelly and purple hat came in. His shirt was stained with sweat. He had a thin line of whiskers around his lower jaw. His breath stank of cheap alcohol.  
  
This was the true Willy Wonka, not a jolly old man nor the cartoon character whose namesake had sold millions of cavity making sweets to little boys and little girls all over the world.  
  
From his pants, he pulled out a long rifle. He cocked it and shot the Plot Hole Man.  
  
BLAM!  
  
Blood showered the spawn of Roald Dahl in thick ropes.  
  
The Oompa Loompas began screaming frantically in their foreign language.  
  
"Damn sons of bitches." He growled. "Runnin' away from yer master! You work for me! YOU BELONG TO ME! Did you think Charlie exiling me from the factory would keep me away from him? I had worked hard to gain power, and something as silly as the love of his dead grandpa would save him?"  
  
An Oompa Loompa crawled towards him.  
  
"Please, forgive us master! Forgive us all!"  
  
The purple-clothed figure pulled out a candy wand.  
  
"Crucio!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The Oompa Loompa writhed on the ground in agony.  
  
"The Candy Man doesn't forgive...nor does he forget."  
  
Willy Wonka walked around the circle of huddling midgets.  
  
"Foolish, foolish people. Being the workers of a great candy factory or the muses of a man singing about plot holes in a deranged homicidal maniac who craves for attention's story!"  
  
"Y-you've been reading Blue Yeti's psychological handbook haven't you?" Asked an Oompa Loompa.  
  
"What if I did?" Breathed Wonka, his alcohol-breath staining the fresh air.  
  
He walked back. "However, if you prove yourselves worthy of my power then you shall be welcomed into my open arms again. Kill Charlie Bucket!"  
  
With a roar, he grabbed a skeletal young boy with a mop of dirty blond hair and threw him onto the floor. "KILL HIM WHO DARES DEFY THE CULT OF WONKA!"  
  
"Yes, oh mighty lord of Artificial Sweeteners!"  
  
"Please!" Spared the boy on the ground. "Spare me!"  
  
"KILL HIM!" Screeched Willy Wonka.  
  
The Oompa Loompas descended upon Charlie. "NOOOOOOOO!" Howled Charlie. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"  
  
Willy Wonka laughed and laughed.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus and his crew had found themselves in the middle of a jungle. The sounds of birds screeching and monkeys using bananas as sex toys filled the air.  
  
Using his flipper, the Walrus cut through the branches to try finding some signs, ANY signs, of civilization at all.  
  
"I don't get it." Asked Shannon, putting on her nifty signed jacket. "What are we supposed to find?"  
  
"Not find." Said the Walrus. "Found."  
  
In front of the group was a large monument of Alan Rickman.  
  
In front of it scrawled in the stone was  
  
'All Hail the Great Rickman!  
  
~Gumlick, 7/22'  
  
"Oh...my God." Muttered the Big Friendly Walrus. "We're in Rickmaniac territory." 


	5. The Rickmaniacs

Chapter 5  
  
The Rickmaniacs  
  
"Zexual repression-- zis is a terrible zing....."  
  
~Frank Miller, The Dark Night Returns  
  
AREA 51...CHAT ROOM SESSION # 561373  
  
Area 51 Files...  
  
...processing...  
  
logging on...  
  
Rickmaniac Chat Transcripts  
  
Password?  
  
**********  
  
Welcome, Spooky_Agent_Guy2000!  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
Big Friendly Walrus 2002-07-22 1 Signed  
  
Hey, Gumlick The Rickman-addicted asshole! Do you expect all your reviews to be compliments? You need to learn to take criticism. And I read your story .... It sucks.  
  
  
  
**  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
HE STOLE THAT  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
FUCKER  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
KILL KILL KILL  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
he stole what??  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
hold  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
what does he mean i need to take criticism??  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
like i care what he says  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
noo... hold on  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
Big Friendly Walrus 2002-07-22 1 Signed  
  
Hey, Gumlick The Rickman-addicted asshole! Do you expect all your reviews to be compliments? You need to learn to take criticism. And I read your story... It sucks.  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
Wait  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
READERS NOTICE: As you can see, Big Friendly Walrus has been flaming me, because I flamed his ficcy, or personally insulted him. Read his stories for yourself, maybe you agree with me, maybe you don't, but his reviews count as nada. LOL I know, it sounds immature, but... Hey, its war between us. Everyone! Peace out! ^_^ R and R is good~!  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
AznAngel4u  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
they flamed big friendly walrus  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
Hehehe  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
and now big friendly walrus flames them  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
big friendly walrus flames everyone who has flamed him  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
big antisocial asshole??  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
i'll show u  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
cos they haf no life  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
bah  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
go flame that son of a bitch again  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
AR Hater 2002-07-21 1 Signed  
  
Hmmm... this isn't about the story. But my friends and Big Friendly Fucker are in a "war" too... It seems that Big Friendly Fucker isnt too good with positive social interaction.  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
hahaha!  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
AR Hater 2002-07-21 1 Signed  
  
Oh, now this is amusing... ANOTHER story that Big Friendly Fucker has flamed, because he can't take a little criticism... Get a life.  
  
Spooky_Agent_Guy2000: Case File: Classic example of pot calling the kettle black.  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
yah...big antisocial asshole needs a life.  
  
**  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
but i KNOW i said that...  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
in a review...  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
Somewhere  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
haha  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
i know!  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
hold on  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
mmk  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
i reviewed CoS!  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
and that was in it!  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
AR Hater 2002-07-21 10 Signed  
  
Big Friendly Fucker, Woops, I mean Walrus-- You are really messed up. "If it's such a big deal to her warped mind," It's not a big deal. That's why she only reviewed once. Do you expect all your reviews to be compliments? You need to learn to take criticism. And I read your story... It sucks. Oh, and if you flame there story one more time... you will pay.  
  
Spooky_Agent_Guy2000: Case File: When Subject Walrus informed Subject AR Hater that she didn't know his IP Number, AR Hater responded that he/she could get his IP if he weren't such a 'pussy'.  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
Ya  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
hahah!  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
i'm gonna get his AIM or MSN and i'm gonna get one of my friends to send him a virus  
  
Spooky_Agent_Guy2000: Case File: It should be noted that except for the FBI, whom had hacked into his computer because he was linked in a child pornography case, there has been no said attempts to hack into his files or send him said virus  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
what a dick head has to copy other peoples reviews at a sad attempt to try and flame  
  
**  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
My god...  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
wat??  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
he has reviewed EVERY FRIGGIN STORY ON THE PLANET  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
i know  
  
I'm bored says:  
  
he even reviewed mountain lion on a rock  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
all of mine for some reason  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
what a retard  
  
Spooky_Agent_Guy2000: Case File: Making fun of the mentally retarded is not funny. Spanking a baboon is.  
  
**  
  
Gumlick says:  
  
i typed in the search field: big friendly fucker n it came up with big friendly walrus hehehe  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----  
  
Spooky_Agent_Guy2000 has logged off...  
  
A man wearing a dark coat, a man that was known only to the public as 'Spooky_Agent_Guy2000', stepped out of chair that was facing a computer.  
  
He took out a handkerchief and wiped his brow. "Its best if the public doesn't know about this...but God, why do so many people like this 'Alan Rickman' guy? Sheesh!"  
  
"You want someone who hates Alan Rickman?" Said someone else in the room.  
  
'Spooky_Agent_Guy2000' looked around the room. "Who's there?"  
  
"You want someone who fantasizes about gang-raping Alan Rickman?"  
  
"How did...how did you get in here? W-who a-are y-you?"  
  
A dark figure stepped out from the shadows. "AR Hater."  
  
The figure pulled out a gun. "Sayonara, sweetie pie."  
  
BLAM!  
  
'Spooky_Agent_Guy2000' slumped forward onto the keyboard. His beaten head crashed onto the separate keys, accidentally typing in the secret code to access the Big Friendly Walrus's original stories before he was banned because of Princess Karita.  
  
AR Hater did not know this, nor did she know of the sinister entity frozen in a cryogenic pod a couple of feet away from her.  
  
"Victory." She grinned, and blew the smoke from her gun.  
  
Due to the hypersensitive venting ducts, the smoke increased and wafted over to the cryogenic tube. The ice began to melt into a sloppy sphere of slushy snow.  
  
A hand reached out from the mess. Another hand reached out, causing a huge column of ice to fall out.  
  
Out stepped a teenage girl, one of the Big Friendly Walrus's enemies before he was banned. She was kidnapped by Area 51 soon after.  
  
She took out a comb and washed away the ice. We get a brief glimpse of her shirt.  
  
It reads 'NANASHI'S GIRL'. It's almost like its one a set, and the other shirts would read 'NANASHI'S BOY', 'NANASHI'S HUSBAND', 'NANASHI'S PIMP' and so on.  
  
AR Hater did not register this. She stole a brief glance at the computer screen. Blood was seeping into the keyboards. The screen read 'FanFiction.net Profile: Big Friendly Walrus'.  
  
"ur so dumb and fuckin crazy i swear" Intoned a voice behind her.  
  
Several pounds of ice and snow showered over her, giving her brain freeze.  
  
"YEAAARRRRRGH!" Screamed AR Hater as the snow entered her mouth. "CURSE YOU, ALAN RICKMAN!!!! CUUUUUUUURRSSSSSE YYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"  
  
Nanashi's Girl pushed away 'Spooky_Agent_Guy2000''s limp body and sat on the computer. She stared at the screen with a dull glare. Drool dribbled down her mouth. It splashed onto the computer. It gave her a brief surge but she didn't take notice.  
  
It took her approximately 10 minutes to recognize a name.  
  
Big Friendly Walrus.  
  
Nanashi's girl pulled at her hair in a mad rage.  
  
"y r ur stories so short?" She asked to the blank computer. "and so bleeding crap?"  
  
"speakin of bleeding" She thought, and pulled a gun and blasted away the computer. Crap bled from the cracked screen.  
  
"hahahah" She cackled.  
  
She stepped over the two dead bodies and walked off to find the Big Friendly Walrus.  
  
Behind her, the computer had a large, fizzing hole. No crap bled from its wound however. It was all in her mind.  
  
  
  
Away from this horrible massacre, in the middle of the forest our heroes had recently discovered a monument dedicated to an actor called Alan Rickman.  
  
"Oh...my God." Muttered the Big Friendly Walrus. "We're in Rickmaniac territory."  
  
"Rickmaniac territory?" Asked Shannon. "What's that?"  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus looked at the girl. "Have you ever heard of an actor called Alan Rickman?"  
  
"Yes, he was that greasy guy who portrayed Professor Snape in the Harry Potter films."  
  
"Well, that's him." He pointed towards the statue of Alan Rickman. He had greasy black hair and a snarl on his face. In his right hand he held a wand.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus and gang stared in silence.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus turned to the group. "Now, imagine a bunch of teenage girls slobbering all over this guy.  
  
"I don't get it." Shannon said. "Why would Christopher Columbus hire someone who's so handsome to the role of Snape. I mean, I know he fucked up with Ron, Fred and George and will probably fuck up the whole franchise, but this is ridiculous!"  
  
"That's the thing. He isn't."  
  
"So why do they all like him?"  
  
A dart hit Shannon in the neck. "Gloooooggggg!" She gurgled and fell to the ground.  
  
Another dart hit the Walnut in the shell. "Eeaaaah!" He gasped and fell to the ground.  
  
A third dart hit the Dark Man in the neck. "Ouchies!" He cried and fell to the ground.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus looked over his shoulder to see a crowd of what looked like a bunch of Amazons.  
  
"Big Friendly Fucker, I presume." Said the leader, a girl with green and silver nails.  
  
"Hello, Gumlick." The Walrus said through baited breath. "A lovely sculpture you have up there."  
  
"Yes?" She said. "It is lovely. But not as lovely as the great Alan Rickman."  
  
"ALL HAIL ALAN RICKMAN!" Cried her fellow Rickmaniacs. "HAIL RICKMAN! HAIL RICKMAN! HAIL RICKMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" This was followed by several warrior cries.  
  
The chanting stopped.  
  
"Now," Said Gumlick looking at her nifty nails. "What brings you here?"  
  
"Would you believe a key from the dress of a dead woman with really big breasts with the help of an overweight man with pink hair and nothing but his underwear on?"  
  
"Hmmmm...probably."  
  
"Okay, then." He turned towards his friends who were just waking up and was about to leave when Gumlick held up a hand.  
  
"And where do you think YOU'RE going?"  
  
"Home, I think."  
  
Back at FanFiction.net, Princess Karita sat in her throne.  
  
Various messengers ran up to her.  
  
"Princess Karita, ma'am--"  
  
"--can we speak--"  
  
"--friendly walrus--"  
  
In short, the messengers were telling her that ever since she the Big Friendly Walrus was banned, Mary Sues were popping up like wild. (Although she was dead, her legacy lived on.) There was also a recent outbreak of cracking of codes that were already cracked.  
  
The reason they thought was that without the much hated but much deserved critiques from the Big Friendly Walrus ('flames zat you could roast marshmallows over' the Blue Yeti liked to say) bad writers could run amok.  
  
"Why should I waste time over such silly matters?" Princess Karita said. "Ja."  
  
The Rickmaniacs surrounded the Big Friendly Walrus and his gang.  
  
"You should have never come here." Snarled Gumlick.  
  
"It's not like we had a choice."  
  
"Do you think Alan Rickman had a choice to be, like, the SEXIEST man alive? No."  
  
"What's with all the Alan Rickman references?" Asked the Little Mean Walnut.  
  
All the Rickmaniacs looked at each other like had told them that baboons fucked the mothers in a giant's pubic area.  
  
"Why, you ask? You DARE question Alan Rickman's almighty power?! SEIZE THEM!"  
  
Alan Rickman's stone face was oblivious to all of this.  
  
Princess Karita drove her pretty pink car to a certain building. She walked up a certain pair of stairs and went inside a certain door.  
  
"Ah, come in." Said a heavily accented voice. This was followed by a bloody scream as a severed leg rolled out into the hallway.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus and co were tied to a flaming tree.  
  
Several masked Rickman worshippers darted around the tree. "Rickman! Rickman! Rickman!"  
  
"Now what do we do?" Whined Shannon.  
  
The Dark Man turned to Gumlick. "Hey, Gumlick. How long do you plan on keeping us here?"  
  
"When your soles are crispy! When your legs are burnt! When your torso is medium rare! When your head is on fire! WHEN YOU DIE!"  
  
"Okie-dokie." The Dark Man said cheerfully.  
  
"Can't we make an, er, agreement?" Pleaded the Walrus.  
  
Gumlick looked at him. "Speak."  
  
Princess Karita walked inside the room. The Blue Yeti sat on a chair, and appeared to be kissing a human head. She walked closer to see the beast was really pulling on the head's tongue. With a loud snap, it fell out. The Blue Yeti slobbered it up. It chewed on it as it were a tasty piece of asparagus. Drool slobbered down its teeth.  
  
"Tongue, zee livery treat that just can't be beat!" It said, looking at her horrified expression of disgust. "How may I help you?"  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus sat by the center of the campfire. In his hands was a large stack of papers. He still had some original manuscripts from his original run. In his hands now he read his only 'Spider-Man' piece, ' Of Goblins and Spiders'.  
  
"Norman Osborn beckoned the young Peter Parker across his large room. His hands softly caressed the teenager's bottoms." The Big Friendly Walrus read. "'How are we today?' Norman purred."  
  
"EEEE! EEEE!" The monkeys from the trees screamed. A banana coated with a sticky substance dropped from above and fell with a splat on Shannon's head.  
  
The Rickmaniacs howled with laughter at this strange story. How perverted, yet so funny!  
  
The Walrus got to the part about Peter barking like a dog. More banana sex toys fell from the trees, and the Rickmaniacs kept on laughing.  
  
"'You paralyzed Peter!' Harry said. 'You knew your Goblin dick was only meant for me!' 'I'm sorry. It was just that the plump, white meat was so...so...SEDUCING!'"  
  
"EEEEEEEEEE!" Screamed the horny monkeys and more bananas were dropped. "what the hell?" Screeched a voice from the woods. "i saw SPIDER-MAN yesterday! peopple don't do that! Like a 40 yr old Norman doesnt do that to a 15 year old Peter! YOU ARE THE BABBOON ON DEPRESSANTS!"  
  
An arrow screamed through the air landed in a tree stump a couple of inches above the Walrus's forehead.  
  
"Who dares?!" Screeched Gumlick raising her sword (autographed by Alan Rickman! Nifty!) and pointing it towards the woods. "Show yourself!"  
  
Nanashi's Girl stepped out. "it is i." She said.  
  
"Why can't you speak in normal grammar?"  
  
"you dare insult me" She screeched. More arrows flew from her bow.  
  
"Oh god." The Big Friendly Walrus. "Not her. Not now."  
  
Nanashi's Girl kicked a tree. Hard.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Screeched the angry monkeys. Thousands of bananas covered with monkey semen thundered towards the ground. The Rickmaniacs covered themselves against the deadly hail.  
  
"face me now" Said Nanashi's Girl. "you dont know what cryogenic freezing does to your patience!"  
  
Shannon saw the dreaded illiterate flamer about to kick the tree again. No. Not on her life. Not on her jacket. Her jacket was specially made, and one of a kind. No ape ejaculate was going to cover that.  
  
She jumped on Nanashi's Girl. She made a feeble attempt to kick anyway, but with Shannon on top of her it barely wobbled.  
  
"This! Jacket! Is! Signed! By! Eoin! Colfer!" She cried. She smacked Nanashi's Girl across the face. Blood flew out of her mouth."Who's my name, bitch?"  
  
"that jacket rox" Nanashi's Girl said. "but wait theres more. that jacket rox but you dun" With a kick, Shannon went crashing into a tree.  
  
The Rickmaniacs began throwing spears at Nanashi's Girl.  
  
"eeaaaaaaaagh" She cried.  
  
The Dark Man summoned the mystical powers of Gary Stu.  
  
"Unngggh..." He struggled, trying to tap into the mystical powers. "Give...me...the POWER!"  
  
There was a loud 'phbbttt'.  
  
"Oops." He said blushing.  
  
Nanashi's Girl staggered over to the Walrus.  
  
"you cant write no stories without swearing or sex in it!" She screamed and head-butted him.  
  
With a kick of a flipper, he slapped her face. "Is that bad?" He asked. She hit the tree.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Bananas splattered onto the ground.  
  
Nanashi's Girl lost her footing and fell onto the ground. She tried to get up, but the sticky monkey love fluids kept her glued to the ground.  
  
"Eeerrrgghhhh..." She growled. "You will pay dearly."  
  
Gumlick took a pitchfork and dug into the ground underneath Nanashi's Girl. She flipped it up, causing the glued girl, ground and all to fly into the air.  
  
Alan Rickman's giant monument stood tall in the air, massive and proud. He held up a giant wand in triumph.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Nanashi's Girl cried. "EEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
She fell onto the wand. It ripped through her chest and out of her back. She lay impaled on the wand like a trophy.  
  
The tree above it began shaking as monkeys jumped from the branches and onto Nanashi's Girl's body, swarming over her body like a fearsome carpet..  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEE!" They all screamed, their monkey tails moving in furious anticipation. Bananas fell from the tree in clumps.  
  
Princess Karita sat on the psychiatrist's couch.  
  
"Ah," Said the Blue Yeti. "Zee thing is zat even though zee Big Friendly Walrus's stories were zick and twizted, his reviewz were funny. A lot of people were mad at you." It took out a rib and began picking the eyeball jelly from its teeth.  
  
"Anuzzer thing is your screen name."  
  
"What about it? Ja."  
  
"It gives makez your ego zound beeg. How about a different name, like Karita-chan?"  
  
"Karita-chan? You think that it will work?"  
  
The Blue Yeti grinned, showing its bloody teeth. Bits of bone fragment were stuck between some molars. "I know it vill." 


	6. Apocalypse Now

Chapter 6  
  
Apocalypse Now  
  
"Need...brains..."  
  
~ A (a) flesh eating zombie, or (b) someone who writes Mary Sues  
  
Using the metal plate from Nanashi's Girl's monkey-eaten skull and some sticky bananas, the Rickmaniacs were able to develop a very small TV.  
  
Using a piece of bone fragment, Gumlick turned it on. Everyone rushed to see it.  
  
"Get out of the way!"  
  
"Ouchies!"  
  
"Get your fucked up hands off my jacket!"  
  
"In the name of Alan Rickman, I request you to let me see!"  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
"AHHH! Monkey semen all over my hair!"  
  
"HOLD IT!" Screamed Gumlick. "Let's try to make a bigger screen."  
  
"How are we going to do that?"  
  
"The same way Opal Kaboi could escape from a maximum security cell from Howler's Peak with an air vent. With a plot hole!"  
  
Shannon looked up into the sky and prayed "Oh mighty Plot Hole Man, if you are listening please make the TV grow bigger."  
  
SHOOM-BACKA-WOOMY-SCOOBY-DOO!  
  
There was a loud thundering as the TV grew the size of a movie theater screen in seconds.  
  
"Nifty!"  
  
With the TV big enough all to see, everyone shut up.  
  
The screen read in flashing letters 'BREAKING FAN FICTION NEWS'.  
  
It cut to a stern faced woman staring at the screen.  
  
"Uh...could you hold those flash cards a bit closer? I, ah, can't really see it."  
  
"We're on the air!" Hissed a voice outside the camera's view.  
  
"Oh." She said, her face going a bit red. "Ah, um, today's opinion segment is how, ah, the FanFiction.net, ah, thinks of the Big Friendly Walrus being banned."  
  
"This should be interesting, sir." Said the Little Mean Walnut.  
  
"First up," The reporter said. "MSWOA: The Mary Sue Writers of America."  
  
The screen cut to a group of pimply teenage girls.  
  
"What do we think of him being banned?" Said one girl with buckteeth. "GOOD RIDDANCE!"  
  
"Yeth," Said a girl spraying spit into the camera. "He alwayth inthulted our thtorieth!"  
  
"I LIKE cliched plots and happy endings!" Snarled one writer. "It's much to risky to try something new."  
  
"Besides, what's the fun in having Artemis interact with normal people? We can't do that! It's- it's- IT'S TOO ORIGINAL!"  
  
One girl began sobbing. "Our fragile egos couldn't take all the mean reviews he gave us! I mean, why should there be negative reviews? His opinions aren't ours, so we don't want to hear them. WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
"Uh, that doesn't mean we can't personally attack his family, persuade him to commit suicide, or tell him to burn in flames."  
  
"So," The reporter said wiping spit off her face. "Basically you're saying you hated this Walrus character because he critiqued your Mary Sues, yet you threaten to kill him in his review sections?"  
  
"That's right! GIRL POWER!"  
  
The screen cut back to the original reporter. "Next up is the SMOWA: The Slightly More Original Writers of America."  
  
It cut to a bunch of bored looking teens.  
  
"We don't give a flying fuck if a writer is banned because he satires something." They said in unison. "We do care if baboons are being sexually molested by first grade teachers. SAVE THE BABOONS!"  
  
"Uh...next up is the Blue Yeti, one of FanFiction's most respected, yet most savage, doctor."  
  
The Blue Yeti stood in front of the camera, casually gnawing on a foot. It looked up and realized he was being recorded and threw the foot away a bit nervously.  
  
"Ah," It said. "Zee Walruz, yez?" It paused for a moment. "Vell....hiz storiez make me laff. Ha ha ha! I think I am goeng inzane."  
  
It looked at the camera menacingly. "Mr. Walruz, if for some freak reason you managed to get a TV working in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of zavagez, let me tell you zis. All that praize I have given you HAZ GONE TO YUR HEAD! You are now insane! INSANE, I TELL YOU!" It screamed in a mad rage and began slashing up the walls with its sharp claws. "Zomeone give me zome head!"  
  
"Don't argue with it." The cameraman whispered. "Do it!"  
  
A man walked across the room while erotic porn music played in the background.  
  
"Why, hello, my darling." He purred and unzipped his pants and took off his shirt. His bare ass faced the camera.  
  
"Am I going to get zome head or vhat?" The Blue Yeti growled.  
  
"Of course." The man said and bent down toward the creature's pubic area. "Most delicious, I hope."  
  
SLASH! RIP! CRACK!  
  
The man's head flew off with one swipe of the Yeti's claw. It picked it up as if reciting a sonnet.  
  
"Yez, I hope it iz deliciouz."  
  
Its mouth opened wider and wider as the head was squeezed in. With powerful strength, it shut its mouth with a clamp. The teeth sank through the skull, spraying bone fragments through the air. One went right through the cameraman's eye and right into his brain.  
  
The reporter now looked a bit uneasy. "Now its time for a special guest. Eric Barger of his own web page, EricBarger.com!"  
  
An overweight man sat in a chair. He had a thick, rat-like mustache. "Hello." He said. "How is God helping us through these tough times?"  
  
"Well, I feel bloated, I have cramps in my upper thighs areas, and there's a pimple the size of a walnut on my ass."  
  
"Have you been blasphemous to the Lord?"  
  
"Not really. But let's get to the interviewing, ok?"  
  
"Sure thing."  
  
"How do you think of the Big Friendly Walrus being banned?"  
  
"Can I ask you a question?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Did he read Harry Potter by any chance?"  
  
"I think he did, yes."  
  
"THEN HIS BANNING WAS AN ACT FROM THY LORD!" Eric screamed, spittle flying from his mouth. "FOR THE LORD SAYETH IN CHAPTER -10, VERSE 3.2, READING HARRY POTTER WILL SEND YOU TO A LAKE OF FIRE!" Eric Barger's face was all red, and he began breathing hard.  
  
"Most of the FanFiction.net population read Harry Potter."  
  
"THEN THEY TOO SHALL BE CAST INTO ETERNAL FIRE, FOR THE LORD SAYETH IN CHAPTER -484, THOSE AT FANFICTION.NET WHO READ HARRY POTTER SHALL BE DAMNED AND DAMNED HARD!"  
  
"Er...thanks for your time, Mr. Barger."  
  
The window opened and two machine guns slid inside.  
  
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!  
  
Several bullets blasted into the two people. Eric Barger flew backwards on his seat, crashing into the window. Several shards of glass plunged into all the sensitive parts of his body, giving him excruciating pain.  
  
"Why has thou God...forsaken...me?" He said, coughing up blood and reaching his hand to the sky.  
  
BECAUSE THOU GOD IS TIRED OF YOUR PANSY ASS BULLSHIT HABIT OF LOOKING INTO THE HOLY BIBLE AND FINDING EVIDENCE THAT IS NOT THERE, said a disembodied voice.  
  
Eric Barger's eyes glazed over as Death took him in his icy grasp (his grasp was icy because he stuck his hands in the refrigerator looking for those damned ice cubes!). His head lolled to one side.  
  
The interviewer tried clawing the bullets out of his throat.  
  
"HUK!" He gurgled and fell to the floor. He tried crawling away when more bullets blasted into him. Blood sprayed on the door.  
  
A figure pointed a gun at the cameraman's head. "Don't. Cancel. The. Transmission."  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus gasped as a silhouetted face filled the screen.  
  
"Your cities are not safe. Your houses aren't safe. Your bathrooms aren't safe, unless you use triple-ply toilet paper. It's the fixer-upper!" The figure said. "This FanFiction.net belongs to the Cult of Wonka. FEAR WONKA!" The figure took out a blade and sent it hurtling toward the camera. The cameraman let out a cry as the blade sliced through his skin and into his bone.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus looked at his comrades. The screen shattered into tiny bits of glass. They flew and hit the trees.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Several bananas hit the ground, but no one paid attention.  
  
Gumlick looked at the Walrus. "You must leave to save your people."  
  
"Wait a sec, where's my key?"  
  
"I thought you had it." Said Gumlick.  
  
"That's great. Now we're stranded in the middle of nowhere."  
  
"Its not nowhere!" Said a Rickmaniac. "Its SOMEWHERE! We called it Rickmanopolis!"  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Something hard, shiny and sticky hit Shannon in the head.  
  
"Ouch!"  
  
She peeled off the object. Monkey love syrup clung to her trembling fingers.  
  
"THE KEY!" She cried. "I found it!"  
  
"Yay!" Said the Dark Man, clapping his hands.  
  
A monkey swung from a branch swung upside down and jumped on the grass.  
  
In one hand she held a banana which was being roughly forced into her vagina.  
  
In the other hand was a syringe filled with depressants that were being jammed into her wrist.  
  
"Rognaldr...won't..." She shuddered from the drug's affects. "...let you...l-l-leave." She spoke of herself in the third person. "Rognaldr's gun toting...school children...will put you to an e-end."  
  
A school bus came out from the middle of nowhere. The doors opened and a bus driver with half his head blown off fell out.  
  
Several children holding guns got out.  
  
"We are criminal masterminds in alliance with Artemis." They said. "Prepare to die."  
  
"Wait a sec...." Shannon said. "If Artemis was so unique, why does he run into so many criminal masterminds?"  
  
"It is a plot hole, you fool."  
  
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!  
  
"GET DOWN!" Screamed Gumlick. Bullets flew by as the kids progressed.  
  
"Why the hell do they have guns?!" Shannon screamed.  
  
"Y-y-you have to remember that t-this is Artemis we're talking about." Said Rognaldr.  
  
"So because he does illegal smuggling means he is armed with rifles? Anyone remember Columbine?"  
  
"YOU FOOL! WE ARE NOT ANYONE! WE ARE PERFECT! TOO PERFECT! We would never goof up! We only kill teachers."  
  
The butt of the gun hit Shannon's head.  
  
"AGH!"  
  
The Rickmaniacs threw their spears at the schoolchildren.  
  
"Guns are a coward's weapons." Gumlick sneered. "It made killing easy."  
  
The children screamed as the spears entered one's mouth, exploding the back and spearing the throat.  
  
"Not gonna let them win." They snarled blasting at them, and only hitting trees.  
  
"EEEEE!"  
  
Gooey bananas splattered onto the ground.  
  
"What is this substance?" Snarled the kids trying to pull free of the gunk.  
  
"Monkey semen!"  
  
They were stuck, and dropped the guns trying to pull their foots out.  
  
"FIRE!" Spears flew at a rapid pace ripping through the school children like bread and butter.  
  
"C-c-can't let them win..." Moaned Rognaldr. "The d-depressants are wearing off...b-burning...MORE! I need MORE!"  
  
The monkey grabbed several needles and jammed them into its throat.  
  
"M-M-MOOOOORE! MOOOORE!" It screamed as the depressants unlocked a powerful DNA code.  
  
It began to shake and grow. "GRRRRAAAAAAAAAAH!" It stood hulking and huge.  
  
"Looks like you won't be able to write again."  
  
"GRRRRRRRUHHHH!" It roared and wrapped its arms around the walrus's throat.  
  
"GACK! Can't breathe..."  
  
"Stop!" Moaned Rognaldr-Artemis, the protagonist of her story, who had just stepped out from the bus.  
  
"GRRRRRRRYUUUUGHH!!!!!! I TOOOOLDSH YOU TO BE.AAAAAAAAGGHHHHH!"  
  
"STOP!"  
  
The walrus's face began to lose color. "Ggg..."  
  
"ROGNALDR!"  
  
The beast-monkey looked over its shoulder to see its creation, its Artemis, its child jam a chunk of tree into its back.  
  
No.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!! HELLLLLLLP MEEEEE! GYYAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
"Nifty!"  
  
Rognaldr's hands began to shrink, and its skin was bubbling like Gumlick's experimental pizza.  
  
It fell to the floor with a thump, the wreckage still in its back.  
  
Artemis fainted.  
  
"Go now." Said Gumlick. "We'll take care of him. Go quickly before someone like Alison Bubu comes."  
  
"But what about--"  
  
"GO!" Gumlick cried. Behind her monkeys began screaming as bananas began dropping it. "E-mail me later!"  
  
"You have Internet connection here?"  
  
Before she answered, Shannon entered the key into the air. A portal opened sucking them in.  
  
  
  
Many galaxies away, there was a planet once called Ooolia. It held millions of people and was guided by the Wise Father Sun.  
  
Humans came to this planet and tampered with it. A sneeze caused a huge epidemic, killing all but four Ooolians.  
  
Then they inserted pipe-radios containing subliminal messages. Every day the Ooolians would be commanded to act like demented alien babies or as the humans called them, Teletubbies. Their means of entertainment and pleasure, their stomachs, now broadcasts meaningless drivel. They would stalk around against their will and mutter strange things.  
  
The deadly devices also had ruined Wise Father Sun, turning him into a drooling baby who instead of guiding his children with wisdom would giggle and scream at random times of the day for no reason.  
  
At one point, the device wore off. The baby's face was now somewhat old inside, full of wisdom and sadness.  
  
"My children..." He sobbed. All that came out was gargle. The remaining Ooolians were disgraced, entertainment for mere larvae.  
  
There was no way to stop this, it thought. When it devised a plan, the messages would go back on twisting his brain putting him back to square one.  
  
Time to take drastic measures.  
  
It hovered toward Ooolia.  
  
Small pipes appeared from the ground.  
  
"Teletubbies say bye-bye! Teletubbies say bye-bye!" What the teletubbies heard was 'Come, meat-children. Come frolic in your underground prison of primordial ooze and sludge. Come my pretty playthings. Come my slaves.'  
  
"Bye bye." They giggled.  
  
They looked up to see to see a sad and merciful face of glowing embers looking upon his children with sadness and pity.  
  
"Goodbye, my children." He said.  
  
The subliminal messages were now stronger. It no longer mattered. Nothing mattered.  
  
The sun was closer to the planet. Flames licked its surface as the sun blasted into Ooolia in a mercy killing.  
  
Flames covered the surface reaching like black oil.  
  
"Lovely water." Crooned the flowers. "Lovely--"  
  
The flames turned these flowers into mere cinders.  
  
Rabbits squealed and burrowed underground trying to escape the apocalypse.  
  
(Open up, children.) Spoke the sun. (God's justice is merciful and swift.)  
  
The rabbits looked up and were incinerated.  
  
Flames covered the planet in holy sacrifice.  
  
Eric Barger would be pleased if he weren't being beaten at poker by Adolf Hitler and Charles Manson at the moment and losing all his money and clothes.  
  
A couple of days later the planet was dark and crispy. Huge craters ripped into the ground.  
  
The only thing left was the Ooolian's computer-operated house. Inside, Noo- Noo (formerly X-Squadron ATD before the humans arrived) was rebuilding itself to the nth intelligence.  
  
A portal opened and our heroes fell onto the smoking husk of a planet.  
  
"This is not good." Said the Little Mean Walnut.  
  
"I agree." Said the Big Friendly Walrus, picking up a wilted flower.  
  
"Me too." Said Shannon.  
  
"Me three!" Squealed the Dark Man. 


	7. No Man's Land

Chapter 7  
  
No Man's Land  
  
"A Date That Will Live in Infamy!"  
  
~ Franklin D. Roosevelt  
  
When the Wise Father Sun destroyed the once beautiful Ooolia in a mercy killing, he didn't count on Noo-Noo to survive.  
  
While the corpses of La La and Dipsy were already beginning to rot, Noo-Noo had begun rebuilding itself.  
  
Formerly X-Squadron ATD, the loyal android was technically tampered with by the human invaders. He was rebuilt to resemble a futuristic vacuum cleaner that sucked up waste with noises like a junkie inhaling the fine sweet white powder of cocaine.  
  
Little did the brainwashed Ooolians know, they had also upgraded X-Squadron ATD to a more deadly form; a sinister machine with a never-ending quest to gain knowledge of the universe. It would kill to find such knowledge.  
  
When the yellow bear in the flying saucer flew off, Noo-Noo sent out powerful magnetic waves to blast it out of orbit causing it to burn up and plummet.  
  
While the brainwashed Ooolians got drunk on drugged custard and Wise Father Sun was rambling strange babble, Noo-Noo unleashed several hooks from its metal body, piercing the bear's chest. It let out a dying scream as the skin peeled off like banana. Noo-Noo removed each major organ, studied them, and ate them raw. This only gave him more curiosity. Would other bears have similar organs? Did George W Bush make the same noises he did when he smoked cocaine?  
  
Then the explosion came.  
  
Some say the Sun was driven insane by the horrors that had happened. Some say it was suicide. Others believe it was better to die a fiery death than be displayed as moronic creatures on human TV screens.  
  
Noo-Noo had toppled over and rolled outside. The flames were monstrous, huge and fiery.  
  
Several dead rabbits formed with him to create an entirely new DNA structure. It was now a living, breathing organism. While days tolled by, it encased itself in a huge tube encased with chemicals. Several wires sprouted out from the tube connecting with computers, searching for information about the dying planet and its inhabitants. How it longed to dissect Tinky Winky's warm body. It knew however that this new body was not meant for moving.  
  
Willy Wonka had only begun his reign of terror when the law captured him.  
  
He and his fellow Oompa Loompas had been given separate cells. The deranged candy man sat in his cell, staring at the wall and drooling.  
  
The mayor of FanFiction.net, followed by several cameras and the Police Commissioner, walked down the line of cells.  
  
The Oompa Loompas were quiet.  
  
Too quiet.  
  
The mayor opened Willy Wonka's cell to settle an agreement of some sort.  
  
The Police Commissioner heard creaking as Wonka's chains snapped open. He heard a deranged giggle and smelt a sugary sweet smell mixed with alcohol.  
  
He ripped open the door just in time to see Willy Wonka rip open the mayor's throat with his teeth. Blood sprayed in crimson bursts decorating the wall in a gruesome graffiti.  
  
He screamed and shot several bullets at Wonka. Wonka dodged them effortlessly and lunged forward. Taking out a large candy cane, he jammed it in the Commissioner's throat.  
  
"GAAAAAG!" Gurgled the Commissioner as the cane choked him.  
  
Wonka grabbed the cane and ripped it out. The sticky mint had begun to stick to his throat, and the head came off with it.  
  
"Come, my friends!" Wonka screeched as he ripped the cell doors open. "A whole world ripe and fresh to be tasted! A world as ripe as fresh Snozzberries!"  
  
"Snozzberries?" Snarled a prisoner who had been there for molesting kitties. "Whoever heard of Snozzberries?"  
  
"YOU DARE QUESTION ME?" Screeched Wonka. He pulled out his candy wand and screamed "Avada Kadevra!"  
  
The prisoner fell back on the ground, cracking his skull. A pool of blood formed around his corpse.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus looked around. Whatever planet they had found themselves on it certainly wasn't going to support life anytime soon.  
  
"Look!" Said the Little Mean Walnut. He pointed toward a dome shaped like an igloo.  
  
The group walked inside. Green fluorescent lights were on the ceilings, bathing the inside in a neon glow.  
  
Rotting breads with deranged smiles on them lay on the floor. Some sort of pink slime covered the walls.  
  
"Ewww!" Said the Dark Man.  
  
"And I thought unclogging Artemis's toilet was bad." Sniffed Shannon.  
  
Deep inside the tunnels there was a rumbling sound.  
  
The four crawled inside. The tubes were progressing deep underground. They heard the sounds of water dripping.  
  
Drip.  
  
Drip.  
  
Drip.  
  
WAAAZZZAAAAA!?!  
  
Drip.  
  
The tubes stopped.  
  
Dead end.  
  
Shannon was so angry she threw her nifty jacket at the wall. Instead of bouncing back it dropped.  
  
"What the--?"  
  
The group looked over only to lose their balance on the slippery surface. They began to plummet.  
  
"YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
Shannon put on her jacket as the rest of the group stared at a door. A green light shown through the door.  
  
It was too late to go back.  
  
Slowly they opened the door.  
  
A man with pins in his face and a large-breasted woman stood there.  
  
"Stop right now, or I'll have to put serious pain on you!" Said the Walrus.  
  
The man with pins all over his face stuck up his middle finger. A hook was in the center of it.  
  
"Fuck Cousin Brucie! Fuck YOU!"  
  
The woman with the large breasts looked at him. "Wrong script, asshole."  
  
"Oh. Er. Ah, YOU DARE USE PAIN IN A SENTENCE?!" He snarled. "Allow me to introduce Pain to you. I...am...PAIN."  
  
"I thought you were Pinhead."  
  
Pinhead's lip began to quiver. "If you reply to this post, I'll  
  
kill you or  
  
get you permanently banned!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Ahem. I hear your Pain! It says 'We want to be together! Don't separate us!' I hear your pleas."  
  
Chains gripped the four. Drills came out of the wall.  
  
"I shall make getting your nuts ripped off by baboons look like a mother's kiss." He breathed.  
  
Shrururururum...  
  
Pinhead and his large-breasted accomplice were gone. In its place was a giant tube. Some shimmering object was in the center. Wires and tentacles came out of the screen, connecting with various computers. Each screen had complicated formulas on them.  
  
I apologize for the little illusion. Spoke the voice. The author requested it since he wanted the time wasted from his life getting his brain melted by watching Hellraiser 4 to some use.  
  
"Who are you?"  
  
Allow me to introduce myself. The glimmering object bobbed up and down. I am Noo-Noo. I am a Twelfth-Level Syntellect.  
  
"What's going on? What happened here?"  
  
As a slave for the human race, I was unaware of my full potential. I was merely a scavenger of information. Now that the Wise Father Sun has committed a fiery suicide I am free to upgrade.  
  
"Upgrade?"  
  
I shall ascend into a higher power. The sudden change may prove catastrophic.  
  
"As in what?" Said Shannon peering into the tube. "Like ruining this husk? Don't worry."  
  
As in possibly destroying the hunk of mud and water you call 'Earth'.  
  
"Oh my god! You can't do this!" Said the Dark Man. "Billions of people will die!"  
  
Irrelevant, Gary Stu. Information will live. Energy will live. Suggested upgrade time: 10 minutes and counting. 9: 59:59, 9: 59:58, 9...  
  
The door crashed open.  
  
I am becoming an Nth level intelligence. My upgrade was calculated + programmed...  
  
A genetically altered T-Rex stepped across the room. It had purple foam for skin. Its gaping maw was stuffed with cotton. It was Barney.  
  
"You pathetic ultrastellar abortion." He hissed. "And to think one of my politically correct kids' sniffles would have finished you and your pathetic race off."  
  
Your kids killed off 99.9 % of our race?  
  
"Bingo." Barney grinned. "I love sappy happy field trips...don't you?"  
  
Several tentacles reached out from the tube and grabbed Barney. They smashed him against the wall.  
  
BAM!  
  
BAM!  
  
BAM!  
  
Barney howled in a mad rage. He aimed his fists right toward the screen. The talons should have ripped it open.  
  
Ah, my purple friend...remember the special treatments you spent millions of dollars on to become less menacing and more 'cuddly'? The figure bobbed up and down. Truly pathetic.  
  
The mechanical tentacles ripped into Barney's belly. Blood seeped out.  
  
"GRAAAAAAAAAAAYGGGGGH!!!!!!" Barney screamed. He kicked the tube. "My code against killing doesn't count machines." The tube cracked open.  
  
Floating in what little chemicals remained was Noo-Noo fully exposed.  
  
Like some sort of floating umbilical cord, the nozzle he sucked up trash was now at the bottom like a scorpion. The body was now a floating face. Two misshapen eyes peered out. A leering mouth with sharp teeth leered. Patches of mangy fur covered the body.  
  
I am not a machine. It said. Prepare for total annihilation.  
  
Several beams blasted out, rocketing Barney into the floor. Noo-Noo sloshed around in what was like a pool of goo.  
  
Make my day.  
  
Barney grabbed Noo-Noo with one hand.  
  
Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu The creature pathetically whined.  
  
Barney peeled off a goblet of goo. "Such pathetic creatures...you make the freaks I play with normal."  
  
The nozzle wrapped itself around Barney. Barney tried pulling it off, but to no use. The two twisted and turned. Barney fell forward into the goo. The shards of glass from the tube entered his midsection.  
  
Barney let out a gurgle as his lifeblood dribbled down the tube's side. Noo- Noo was flung across the room, hitting the wall with a splat. A red button began flashing.  
  
DETONATION....BEGUN...5...4..3...  
  
"ENTER THE KEY!" Screamed the Big Friendly Walrus to Shannon. "NOW! IT'S ALL GOING TO BLOW!"  
  
  
  
KA-BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!  
  
The planet exploded in a fine blast of fire. Shards of the planet were sent off in all directions, working as meteorites. Several blasted into planets, causing a chain reaction of destruction.  
  
A woman stood in the subway. Life wasn't doing so good. She wanted to become a successful writer, but nothing had come out.  
  
All she had come up with so far was the average Mary Sue and the occasional repeated code. Several people had told her this was posted many times before, but did she care? No. That was until Blue Yeti ripped apart her Mary Sue.  
  
First it grabbed her creation, her angel of perfection, and literally tore it apart. Blood had spattered the wall. The woman had begun screaming when Blue Yeti chased after her.  
  
"You'll zut up if you know vatz good for you." It growled.  
  
She frowned, thinking of that.  
  
But some things had gone well. A lot of people liked her Mary Sue saying 'Ur story rulz! PLEAZ UPDATE! Arty is soooo hot! I wanna lick his pale chest and caress his withered nipples.'  
  
And she wasn't as getting so many scathing comments since the Walrus was gone.  
  
Two midgets with green hair grabbed her pocketbook.  
  
"NO!" She cried. "Robbery! I'm being robbed!"  
  
Then, as soon it was taken back they threw it at her. She wept tears of joy, when one threw her off the subway.  
  
She landed on the ground. The pain was bad, but her money was still there. She felt around her purse, when she felt something hard and smooth. Like an apple. And the ticking sounds...  
  
A stern faced woman sat in front of the camera at the TV station. "Woman explodes at Subway station...film at 11." 


	8. Before the Darkness

Chapter 8  
  
Before the Darkness  
  
"Eat my dick with brussels sprouts."  
  
~ Bentley Little, The Man in the Passenger Seat  
  
Before he was banned, the Big Friendly Walrus led a fairly normal life. As normal as a walrus who writes erotic fiction about fairies that pisses off 12 year olds can be, that is.  
  
To fully understand how and why he was banned, we must know of the events that lead up to his banning.  
  
It was the eve of a glorious day: The Annual FanFiction.net Sharing Ceremony was when writers could show of their newest creations, poets could recite sonnets and hacks could show off their new perfect women and be ridiculed by all.  
  
The Blue Yeti held a party to honor this momentous occasion with a dinner party. On the other side of town, a squabbling husband and wife were getting ready to go.  
  
"Come on!" Said Kitty Rainbow to her husband ArTeMiSfOwL. "We're going to be late!" She was trying on a new dress.  
  
"I'm trying to fix the Artemis Serum." ArTeMiS had been trying to alter his genes so he could look like the child genius. So far nothing worked, and he ended up looking like a cross between Root and Juliet. He had long blonde hair, lipstick and was short, hairy and dumpy. He always had a cigar in his mouth.  
  
"Oh, that silly thing! That can wait." She reached toward to shut it off.  
  
He gripped her hand tightly.  
  
"Don't."  
  
The Blue Yeti sat in a chair at the center of the table. Its blue fur had been carefully combed, and all the nits, bone fragments and dried blood had been carefully removed.  
  
"Ah!" It said to the Big Friendly Walrus and the Little Mean Walnut as they came inside. "It zeems yu are zee firzt tu arrive. Make yurzelvez at home!"  
  
"Thanks." Said the Big Friendly Walrus sitting down in a seat and pouring himself some champagne. "I trust you are well?"  
  
"Oho, oha! Ve are very vell!" The Blue Yeti chortled and helped itself to some roasted beans. "Zis iz a very exziting time! Zo many CRUZED egos for my counziling! ZO MUCH FREZ MEAT!" It gave a roaring laugh that dissolved into a hacking cough.  
  
"Come on!" Pleaded Kitty. "I'll be the laughingstock at the party if you don't come!"  
  
"You go on. I'm fine right here."  
  
"Why we are so grumpy today?" She asked.  
  
ArTeMiS exploded.  
  
"Because all 'we' write are gay romances! I'm FRIGGIN' sick of it!" Kitty realized that ArTeMiS had forgotten to take his Prozac, but was so mad that she didn't care.  
  
"I'd rather write romances and be happy in my life rather than your pathetic genetic mess-ups!"  
  
"You bitch!" He roared and slapped her face. Blood flew from her mouth.  
  
"How many people did you invite today?" Asked the walrus.  
  
"Vell...a lot." Said the Blue Yeti. "It zeemz everyone elze were to inteemadated by my appetite! Ha ha!"  
  
The walrus gulped, remembering that the Blue Yeti had been arrested on records of mutilation, cannibalism (even though no one in ff.net was of its breed) and manslaughter.  
  
"Do you know anyone who were going to come?"  
  
"Vell, Kitty Rainbow and her huzband were going to come. Vey zould've been here by now."  
  
"Oh my god..." Said ArTeMiS, staring at what he had done. "I am so sorry..." He put a hand on his wife's shoulder.  
  
"Don't touch me!" She cried and punched ArTeMiS in the face. He spit out bloody teeth.  
  
He made to uppercut her, and she bit his arm, breaking the skin. Blood streamed out.  
  
"AGH! You bitch!" He socked her in the stomach. She gasped for breath, and grabbed the computer. She flung it at her husband. It shattered against him.  
  
She then morphed into a rainbow colored kitten.  
  
"MROW!" It cried and swiped at ArTeMiS's face.  
  
"Hey!" He cried as the blood ran through his fingers. "No powers!"  
  
He took out a spray-can labeled 'Anti-Kitty Spray' and sprayed her. Green gas enveloped her, stinging and cutting her skin.  
  
The kitten scurried under a large desk.  
  
"Ohhhh...a big heavy desk. Guess I can't get you now, can I?" His eyes focused on a metal helmet.  
  
The Blue Yeti sipped some wine.  
  
"Zo...are you going to zare some ztoreez, you being ze zick inzane homizadal maniac that you are?"  
  
"I dunno." Said the Big Friendly Walrus helping himself to some chicken. He chewed on it, and thought for a bit. "Last time I shared my stories I was called a pedophile simply because of their content."  
  
"Oh! I almozt forgot! It ez time for the head courze!" It gave a laugh, as if it had said a very good joke. "Butler, pleeze get zee head courze!"  
  
A butler with balding hair and a mustache came in and put a steaming plate on the table. A cover was on top of it. "Enjoy your meal, monsieur."  
  
The Blue Yeti pulled off the cover, revealing a severed human head. Its eyes stared wide ahead. An apple was plucked in its mouth. The skin was darkly roasted.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus went a little green. "I'll pass, thanks."  
  
"More for me!" Blue Yeti grinned and ripped apart the head to shreds. It unscrewed the skullcap, to reveal that the brain had been replaced with ice cream.  
  
"Oh, I like ice cream." Said the walrus.  
  
"Deeg in!"  
  
"Please..." Kitty moaned. "I'm sorry, okay? Lets just-- what are you doing?"  
  
ArTeMiS put on the helmet. It had the power to telepathically control dogs.  
  
He pressed a button on the helmet.  
  
Several dogs ran in through the door. Flower vases shattered and tables collapsed under their force. Kitty's water bowl smashed into pieces and water spilled across the room.  
  
"Stop!" Kitty cried.  
  
"You know what its like living with a kitten-human hybrid?" Snarled ArTeMiS. "HORRIBLE! I keep on finding fur balls in the bed! Kitty spit-up in my slippers! Oh, and you won't BELIEVE what I find in the tub!"  
  
All kinds of breeds, Dalmatians, Terriers, Collies, Golden retrievers, etc, ran into the room and swarmed over the kitten.  
  
"Whooooooooooooooo let the dawgs out?!" Sang the crazy canines.  
  
"ArTeMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiS!" She screamed as the rapping dogs bit and scratched her.  
  
"You shouldn't have made me look small, Kitty..." He muttered. His eyes were merciless beacons of light. "You shouldn't have made me look small."  
  
The Walrus rubbed his belly. The empty skullcap was in the center of the table.  
  
The Blue Yeti belched and drank some champagne. "Man, you guysh are the besht brothersh a Yeti could ever have!" He staggered forward, drunk as a skunk.  
  
The walrus grabbed the Yeti's keys. "Friends don't let friends drink and drive."  
  
"Fuck thish!" Blue Yeti roared, drinking the Walnut's champagne.  
  
ArTeMiS sat cradled in a ball in a corner. In his shaking hands was a bottle marked 'PROZAC'. He took out a pill, and crunched down on it relishing the bitter taste. He was too tired for water.  
  
Dogs scurried out the door, barking and yipping. What happened? Barked one.  
  
I don't know. Said another. Wanna shit in my master's underwear cabinet?  
  
Next to Artemis was Kitty's limp dress, which had come off when she had transformed.  
  
Behind him, the house was in a state of wreck. Water flooded over the floors. Tables were turned over in a state of disarray.  
  
"Oh, Kitty..." He moaned. "What have I done?" 


	9. The Rise of Karita

Chapter 9  
  
The Rise of Karita  
  
"Masturbation is the best policy."  
  
~ Mark Twain  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus had stopped by Kitty's house to ask why she and her husband had not been at the party.  
  
Instead, he saw her lying on a stretcher and being loaded into an ambulance.  
  
"What happened here?" Asked the walrus.  
  
"We don't know." Said one of the orderlies. "We found her like this. The entire house is a wreck."  
  
"Is her husband home?"  
  
"No." Said one of the orderlies. "We think--"  
  
"Excuse me." Said the head detective, Fido. "You shouldn't be here."  
  
"At least tell me what hospital she's going to."  
  
  
  
CUDGEON C. HEST HARE HOSPITAL  
  
At the hospital, he learned it was indeed most likely Kitty's husband who had put her this way. He was reportedly missing and the NYPD, FBI, CSA and a spooky government organization who wanted to steal his genitals and probe them for an alien race were all looking for him.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus walked out of the door. His butler was waiting for him.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Apparently it was ArTeMiSfOwL who did this. He had a mental disorder and didn't take his Prozac. The pills were all over the floor."  
  
"Are they canceling the Ceremony?"  
  
"No." He said. "Kitty would want us to celebrate it and have fun."  
  
"What about her crazy husband?"  
  
The Walrus didn't answer.  
  
The Annual FanFiction.net Sharing Ceremony  
  
The theatre was large and beautiful. Red curtains covered the stage.  
  
The Walrus sat with his butler in the upper balcony.  
  
The stories were great. Poems, original fiction, and more!  
  
Possible futures for Artemis!  
  
Poems describing his emotions!  
  
Countless bullshit fics about perfect women intimidating Arty! Oh, oops. Never mind.  
  
He couldn't help feel a sense of foreboding when a story was read about a demon molesting Artemis, and then one about Artemis himself forcing a girl to become his bitch after she won a contest. He also couldn't help feel the occasional spray of blood from the Blue Yeti's new sub.  
  
The quality of the fics began deteriorating quicker than George W Bush fumbling on how to spell 'Cat'.  
  
The walrus drifted into a deep sleep.  
  
In the dream, several baboons were chasing the walrus. They were pink, and they were all blowing trumpets.  
  
"You pedophile pervert!" Screamed a baboon. "YOU SUCK!"  
  
"I'm not!" Said the Walrus.  
  
"You write like one!"  
  
"So?"  
  
A baboon hopped on his head and squirted banana juice in his eyes.  
  
"This is for making me CRY!" It screeched.  
  
The walrus fell over, screaming.  
  
BLAM!  
  
He was awoken from his nightmare immediately.  
  
ArTeMiSfOwL stood in the doorway. "Hello, my homies!" He screeched.  
  
BLAM!  
  
An overweight girl with glasses who was reading her story a secret agent fairy falling in love with Artemis didn't know what hit her when her head disappeared in a fine red spray. Her headless corpse fell onto the audience.  
  
"YUMMY!" Blue Yeti screamed, ripping the entrails and sucking it up like spaghetti.  
  
BLAM!  
  
The bullet hit a pillar. It began to crumble and fall. A kid looked up at it, mystified.  
  
"Look out, son!" Cried Fido. "LOOK OUT!" He pushed the kid out of the way when the pillar fell on him, fatally killing him.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Screamed the Walnut and jumped onto the stage.  
  
BLAM!  
  
"Nothing can crack my nut!" Cackled the Walnut.  
  
ArTeMisfOwL grinned feverishly. He took out a Prozac pill and swallowed it.  
  
"Big Friendly Walrus!" He called. "Where are you? Show yourself and your friends will live to see another day!"  
  
The walrus crawled up the stage. "What?"  
  
ArTeMiS's Juliet/Rootish face broke into a wide grin. "PLEAAAAAAAAAAAASE parody Kitty Rainbow's stories! You'll be in Parody City!!!!!!"  
  
"Or what?"  
  
He felt the cold barrel of the gun against his forehead. "This."  
  
The walrus pulled out a typewriter and began typing.  
  
"Oh, this is going to be SOOOOOOOOOO cool!" Giggled ArTeMiS.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus finished at last. It was a bit tasteless, but better than nothing in the circumstances which he found himself in.  
  
The walrus finished it and gave it to ArTeMiS. Nothing had been harder for him to write, especially in the tragic attack from yesterday.  
  
"Read it aloud."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"You heard me."  
  
SEVERAL MINUTES LATER  
  
".and Butler said to Artemis, 'Sir, you taste excellent.' The End"  
  
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Giggled ArTeMis. "This is soooooooo funny!"  
  
A gothic girl looked up at the walrus. Her name was Edrna. "Weirdo. Freak. Jerk."  
  
"Don't make fun of my homy, y'hear?" Screeched ArTeMiS.  
  
BLAM!  
  
There was a soft thud as the flamer hit the floor.  
  
The Blue Yeti was eating all the corpses. It was like a potato chip; you just couldn't eat one.  
  
It now had a serious bellyache.  
  
"Guurrrrgggh..." It groaned clutching its chest. "I don't feel so well."  
  
It crawled up the stage and turned to face ArTeMiS.  
  
"Hello, m'boy." It growled. "I have excruciating pains in my lower abdomen at the moment, but I think I have room for one more food."  
  
"Wait!" Cried Walnut. "I have a dimension warper. Why not banish him to a place he wants to visit; Parody City?"  
  
"A splendid idea."  
  
The Blue Yeti grabbed ArTeMiS, not bothering to check if any bones were broken, and threw him in the opening vortex.  
  
The vortex slowly disappeared.  
  
Later, in the FanFiction courtroom...  
  
Senator Karita stood on one of many floating podium-thingies. Below was a large pit.  
  
"What has happened here is poor leadership!" She cried dramatically. "We need a better leader!"  
  
"I disagree." Said Kitty Rainbow. She had some bruises, and her arm was in a sling. "Domestic abuse lies hidden below many surfaces. We cannot expect to know them all. I do not blame anyone."  
  
"Why did they keep the show on then?" Asked Karita. "With a maniac on the loose, it is pretty dangerous, no?"  
  
"And cancel a world-famous festival?"  
  
The other senators listened attentively. It was obvious Karita wanted to become the new leader. Would she succeed?  
  
"My fellow senators," She called out. "If I were leader, I would know about this beforehand! My prosperity would reach the stars! And, besides, I don't wear used suits."  
  
The sound of the buzzing of senators filled the air. If what happened next didn't happen, the vote would be an even tie and Karita's leadership might've been delayed. Our present story would be much different.  
  
A podium, decorated with fancy whatchamacallits, zoomed up. A man with a graying beard and glasses zoomed up. He had a plastic lightsaber.  
  
"Mesa George Lucas!" The man cried. "Mesa goeng to sue you for a-stealin' my idea!"  
  
"Eat dick, fanboy." Karita growled and pulled out a gun. She aimed at George Lucas's ship. He fell with a scream and plummeted towards the endless abyss. "Spider-Man was so much better than your crappy prequels."  
  
The Senators cheered in unison.  
  
Kitty banged her head on her podium.  
  
Later that month, the Big Friendly Walrus parodied one of Karita's stories. He was banned by the Bots.  
  
Parody City...  
  
ArTeMiS was twirling through what seemed like the inside of a tornado. There was some light at the end of the tunnel. He tripped and plummeted out.  
  
"OUCH!"  
  
A man that looked like a naked Butler stepped forward.  
  
"Hello, sir." He grinned. "You taste excellent."  
  
"GAAAAAAAH!" ArTeMiS cried.  
  
He looked inside a window. Holly and her angel friends were going shopping and giggling crazily. He banged on the window for help.  
  
"Come on, sir." Said a voice behind him. "We can't wait all day, can we?"  
  
"GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!"  
  
BEEP! BEEP!  
  
A car drove in front of him. A centaur was driving it. "Get in!" It hissed.  
  
In the car the centaur introduced himself as Foaly. He was the head of a game show.  
  
"Boy!" Said Foaly. "I sure saved you from some jam out there, didn't I!"  
  
"You sure did."  
  
He felt around in his pocket when he felt the cold metal of his gun. He pulled it out.  
  
"Now what are you doing?" Asked Foaly.  
  
"Say goodbye, hairy."  
  
BLAM!  
  
Half of Foaly's face disappeared. He screamed a name (it sounded like 'Holly') over and over.  
  
BLAM!  
  
Foaly's head crashed onto the steering wheel. The car skidded and hit a tree. ArTeMiS climbed out.  
  
He raised the gun and shot several bullets in the air.  
  
"I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!!!!" He cried.  
  
It was a half hour before 5 and was beginning to get dark when they took him down. 


	10. The Mary Sue Hunter

Chapter 10  
  
The Mary Sue Hunter  
  
"Masturbation is the mother of inventions."  
  
~ Mark Twain  
  
FanFiction.net...  
  
The Monkey Queen was Blue Yeti's current patient. She had various split personalities, some her 'friends', who flamed people.  
  
"Now," Said the Blue Yeti furiously scribbling in its notebook. "Who are your friendz?"  
  
"The monkeys..." She spoke in a dull voice. Drool dribbled down her front lip. "The monkeys...they help me review my stories...we are many. We are one."  
  
"I zee, and here eet says that you deleted all your storeez in a fit of rage?"  
  
"Yes, it's the walrus's fault! I HATE THE WALRUS!" She screamed in a rage. "And the toilets...I hear them talking...they're planning some sort of rebellion. I know it, I do!"  
  
The Blue Yeti took out a chicken bone and waved it in front of her face.  
  
"You are veeling veeery sleeeepyyy..."  
  
"I am feeling very sleepy..."  
  
"When I chomp down on theez eyeball, you weel wake up."  
  
"When you chomp down on that eyeball, I will wake up."  
  
"Yeeezzzzz...and I vill not be there. Only the Valrus. Only the Valrus."  
  
Silence.  
  
The sound of the eyeball breaking and all the sound of the jelly splat on the floor filled the air.  
  
The Monkey Queen opened her eyes.  
  
"YOU!" She shrieked.  
  
The Yeti recoiled.  
  
"YOU DILAPIDATED CAMEL!!!" She shrieked. "The monkey queen is muuuuuch better than you! I'm her best friend, and I know so!"  
  
The split personalities were coming out. How very interesting.  
  
"You're just as bad as the Blue Yeti! YOU BOTH SUCK!"  
  
"What the--" The Yeti growled.  
  
"NEVER WRITE AGAIN!" The Monkey Queen cried and lunged forward.  
  
SNAP!  
  
Monkey Queen rubbed her eyes. "Wow, doc. What happened?"  
  
The Blue Yeti looked furious.  
  
"Nothing, my dear." It growled. "Perfectly normal. By the vay, vould you like to POOP IN MY MOUTH?!"  
  
"THE LIVING TOILETS!" Monkey Queen screamed. "You're one of them!" She began shaking back and forth screaming like a baby who just shit in his pants after eating creamed beef.  
  
The Blue Yeti simply grinned and jumped on top of the queen of all that is monkeyish with a roar.  
  
She saw the face up close and one thought crossed her mind  
  
(OH MY GOD IT IS FEMALE)  
  
before blacking out.  
  
The Teletubbies' Planet...  
  
Barney and a mutated Noo-Noo fought in a fatal struggle. The two twisted and turned. Barney fell forward into the goo. The shards of glass from the tube entered his midsection.  
  
Barney let out a gurgle as his lifeblood dribbled down the tube's side. Noo- Noo was flung across the room, hitting the wall with a splat. A red button began flashing.  
  
DETONATION...BEGUN....5...4...3...  
  
"ENTER THE KEY!" Screamed the Big Friendly Walrus to Shannon. "NOW! IT'S ALL GOING TO BLOW!"  
  
  
  
KA-BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!  
  
The planet exploded in a fine blast of fire. Shards of the planet were sent off in all directions, working as meteorites. Several blasted into planets, causing a chain reaction of destruction.  
  
Noo-Noo slid down the wall, blind. Barney's impaled corpse lay facedown on the floor.  
  
In a split second, they were among the cosmos due to float around for all eternity as tiny chunks of rock.  
  
In that split second, our heroes passed through a small hole in the universe.  
  
VROOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!  
  
The group landed on a hard ground.  
  
"Where are we?"  
  
A girl came up. "Oh!" She said smiling. "I'm Belarus Kintelbury. You must be Artemis." She kicked the Dark Man in the knee.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"I'm more smarter than you'll EVER be. And I have more technology!" She kicked him again.  
  
"Stop that!" The Dark Man cried. "I'm not Artemis!"  
  
Belarus looked tear-stricken. Artemis would never come. He was somewhere else, shagging Holly and Juliet in an erotic three-way.  
  
While she was alone. All alone.  
  
"NO!" She screamed and blue lightning surged through her fingertips. Thunder rumbled from the sky.  
  
Was this Mary Sue? Mouthed Shannon.  
  
I don't know. Mouthed the Walrus. Wasn't she dead?  
  
Yes, indeed she was. He would never forget the sickening crunch as his tusk impaled Mary Sue. And the faint reddish smear on the tusk that he could barely wipe off.  
  
Belarus grinned. "I am the last of a dying race. I have come to intimidate all the men...make all the women jealous...and learn to do the pepper twist!"  
  
She began shaking her finely tuned ass, and her perfect, back-pain-inducing breasts began jiggling.  
  
"You cannot escape my seduction!"  
  
There was the sound of a growling besides her.  
  
"Wha--?"  
  
There was a teenaged girl with a huge three-headed dog on a leash. Foam dripped from its gaping maw.  
  
"NO!" Belarus screamed. "Not you!"  
  
The dog lunged at her tearing off bits of flesh, bone and gristle. Blood splattered across its face. Belarus screamed and began swatting the canine.  
  
One head lifted its head up with lightning accuracy and tore the hand right off. It chewed it with sickening crunching noises.  
  
"GYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
"RUFF! RUFF! Growwwwwlllll..." The creature ripped free of the leash and lunged at Belarus.  
  
"Stay back!" She screamed. "I command you!"  
  
The dog's three sets of teeth were bared. It tore and ripped at her. Two heads held her down while one ripped off her legs. They tore on it like a pack of wolves.  
  
Blood spilling from her severed legs, Belarus tried crawling to the sea.  
  
The dog leaped on her. Its claws sank into her fine, soft back.  
  
"Ggggllll..." She groaned. With one final motion, the three-headed dog tore off her head. Blood sprayed everywhere.  
  
The teenager looked at her pet devouring the remains of Belarus.  
  
"Pleased to meet you." She said. "I'm Skye Firebane, the Mary Sue Hunter."  
  
"Really?" Asked the Walrus. "What is this planet?"  
  
"The Mary Sue planet. I have dedicated my life to hunting down these creatures, and I have succeeded. Except for one."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Mary Sue herself."  
  
The Walrus gulped. "She's, ah, dead."  
  
The girl lifted an eyebrow. "Really?"  
  
"Really really." The walrus answered. "We were battling each other and she fell on my tusk and was impaled." He looked a bit nervous.  
  
"No matter." She said. "There will always be Mary Sues. If you stomp an anthill, there will be others."  
  
"Nice dog." Said Shannon.  
  
"Oh?" She said. "I call him Ceberus."  
  
The dog in question lifted up its leg and pissed on the corpse he had just finished eating.  
  
It trotted toward its master, and then stopped. It looked at the Dark Man, and let out a low growl.  
  
It trotted over and all three heads sniffed the Dark Man furiously.  
  
"What?" He asked.  
  
"You have the stench of Stu on you." Said Firebane.  
  
"I do?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really."  
  
"Really really?"  
  
"Really really."  
  
"Really really REALLY?"  
  
"Really really REALLY."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Huh."  
  
The dog bared its three sets of teeth. Its nostrils flared.  
  
It opened its jaws and ripped down the hem of the Dark Man's cloak.  
  
The Dark Man had heart-style boxer shorts.  
  
"Uh..." The Dark Man said nervously. He was staring at Skye. "Couldja get your dog offa me?"  
  
"Besides," The Walrus said. "He's not a Mary Sue, but a mild Gary Stu. He's not even an original character."  
  
"Good enough." Skye said. She took out a bone and threw it 20 feet across the sky. "Catch!"  
  
Ceberus trotted along after the bone.  
  
"Would you like to help us?" Asked Shannon. "FanFiction.net is run amok by Mary Sues."  
  
"Really?" Skye said. Ceberus looked up from the bone he was chewing.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Take me there."  
  
"Uh, that's the point." The Walrus said scratching his head. "We're sort of lost."  
  
"He got banished." Said Shannon quickly. "For parodying someone's story."  
  
"For that?" Skye said pulling her dog on its leash. "Jeez."  
  
The dog bared its teeth.  
  
"But...ignoring the fact that you're hopelessly lost, I would like to join your quest. FanFiction.net is plagued by a...menace. I can only hope my efforts will help."  
  
"Soooo..." Said Shannon in the awkward silence. "Does that mean you will help us?"  
  
Ceberus's bark probably meant 'yes'.  
  
FanFiction.net...  
  
The rusty tub was filled with ice cubes. A shape floated under them.  
  
Monkey Queen emerged through the cubes, gasping for breath. She noticed she was in her panties.  
  
"What the...." She moaned. Her voice felt thick. There was a small table ahead of her. A bloody liver lay on a plate.  
  
She looked at her side. A bloody wound was there.  
  
"Ugh..." She moaned. She looked through the doorway down the hallway into the kitchen. A furry figure stood over the kitchen counter cutting something up.  
  
Fear dawned upon her.  
  
No.  
  
She turned around and opened the window.  
  
Several dogs barked viciously at her. A little dog not more than a puppy, with dreadlocks glared at her.  
  
"Yo!" It said. "I'm Like Mike! I wore his shoes and I can do basketball! YO MAMA!"  
  
The sound of the self-centered pooch was loud. The furry figure turned around.  
  
"Holy Christ!" She screamed. She tried crawling out.  
  
The furry figure ran toward her Royal Apeness.  
  
"Gyaaaaah!" Screamed Monkey Queen. "YAAAAAAH!"  
  
She desperately tried pulling herself out. The blue creature reached inside her open wound and pulled on an intestine.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" Screamed Monkey Queen. "YOU FUCKING MINGER!!!!"  
  
The pain was unbearable, her freedom so close.  
  
The Blue Yeti hit the window. It flew down and worked as a guillotine. Monkey Queen's head plopped out and onto the mud. The dogs sniffed it.  
  
The window opened again and Blue Yeti threw the dripping liver onto the ground. The dogs greedily ate it while Lil' Bow Wow threatened to sue if he didn't get better service. 


	11. The Cooking Show of the Damned

Chapter 11  
  
The Cooking Show of the Damned  
  
"I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."  
  
~ Hannibal Lecter  
  
"Will the real Big Friendly please stand up, please stand up? We're gonna have a problem here."  
  
~ Variation on a rap song  
  
Willy Wonka had begun his attack full force on FanFiction.net.  
  
The streets were a place of mayhem swarming with oompa-loompas.  
  
Several of them were trying to break into Karita-Chan's office.  
  
BAM! BAM! BAM!  
  
The door fell forward and the midgets swarmed in.  
  
"Get back, you foul creatures! GET BACK!" Karita screamed. She held a laser gun in her hand and began blasting the creatures. They exploded on contact or slammed backwards and hit the wall, breaking their necks.  
  
Karita blew the smoke from her gun. "Get the secretary and tell her to find someone to clean up this mess."  
  
"Yes, ma'am." Said the servant. "But shouldn't you try to help your citizens?"  
  
"Eh, they'll get over it."  
  
An oompa-loompa summoned all its strength to flip Karita off, gave her the finger and flopped back down again.  
  
Skye Firebane looked at the key.  
  
"So what do we do with it?"  
  
"You take it out and insert into thin air as you would to a lock." Said the Walnut. He took it and inserted it into thin air.  
  
A vortex opened.  
  
They all climbed in. The walnut, the walrus, and Firebane were already inside. The Dark Man crawled in and heard someone say 'oof' as if she or he fell.  
  
"Is that you?" He asked Shannon.  
  
"No."  
  
"Hmm..." The Dark Man thought suspiciously.  
  
The two crawled inside.  
  
If the walrus had stayed outside he would've noticed an extra pair of footprints on the ground.  
  
As they were twirling through the vortex, Ceberus barked a low growling sound.  
  
"What is it, boy?" Asked Skye. Ceberus just let out a ruff.  
  
"Really? You said there's a--"  
  
Then they fell out onto the ground.  
  
People hurried onto the train. It was the only train that would take them to a faraway part of FanFiction.net.  
  
Kitty Rainbow sat in the second-left seat. She peered out the window. This was the part where they rode over the cliff and onto the other side. The only things connecting the two were the rails. It was always a bit scary but it showed that they crossed over a border of some sort.  
  
This time a man was standing on the other side. He held a large candy cane. He smashed the railing. It fell apart and plummeted into the abyss.  
  
With a grin, he used his candy cane as a catapult and landed on top of the train.  
  
"Hello, boys and girls!" He cackled. Several planes flew overhead and Oompa-Loompas hovered from them with parachutes.  
  
The Big Friendly Walrus looked around. "Where are we?" He asked.  
  
Shannon looked at a sign. 'MONKEY QUEEN'S COOKING SHOW.' It read. In smaller letters it said, 'All Big Friendly Animals except for Walruses allowed!'  
  
Now, as you know, Monkey Queen died in the Blue Yeti's bathroom. However, she lived on in alternate universe, just like all the Artemises during the battle with Mary Sue. To avoid confusion, she will be known as Monkey Queen X.  
  
Several animals grabbed our heroes. They were all Big and Friendly animals, meant to destroy another Big Friendly animal; the Big Friendly Walrus.  
  
Big Friendly alligators, Big Friendly Polar bears, among all the other animals swarmed over.  
  
"Y'know," Said the Walrus pulling off a cheap amateur after another. "These don't have the same quality as 'Big Friendly Walrus' does. Maybe 'Big Friendly Baboon' or 'Big Friendly Orangutan' or some other monkey name."  
  
"I like monkeys." Said the Dark Man.  
  
The Walrus turned around when he saw Big Friendly Killer Whale, once a friend of the Walrus, aim a hammer. He was wearing a turban.  
  
"Et tu, Killer Whale-ay?" The walrus said to the betraying animal.  
  
"Surrender, American infidel!" The whale screeched. "PRAISE ALLAH!"  
  
Darkness swept over the walrus.  
  
Monkey Queen X stood on a sound stage that looked like a kitchen. Several pots and pans lay on counters with ingredients. In the left corner, the Dark Man, Shannon, the Walnut, Skye and Ceberus (who had a muzzle on him) were all tied up and sitting on the chairs.  
  
Several bloodthirsty monkeys sat in the audiences' seats hooting and hollering. Specks of saliva flew from their mouths.  
  
Monkey Queen X grinned. "Today," She said, sounding like someone trying to emulate the walrus's successful, yet gory, style of writing and failing miserably, "We shall learn how to properly de-tusk the walrus for the most TENDER meat." She licked her lips.  
  
The two Big Friendly Alligators brought in the Walrus. He could feel the eyes of the lunatic monkeys burning down on him. He was thrown onto the stage.  
  
"First, we must de-tusk the walrus." She grinned. She pulled at the tusk. With a roar the walrus jammed up the tusk and ripped off her fingers.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAGH!" She screamed holding her mutilated hands. "Get them!!!"  
  
Several Big Friendly creatures ran onto the stage holding forks and spoons. Vicious monkeys hung from the ceilings pointing and chattering.  
  
"I think not." Said the Dark Man. He stood up, and the ropes that bound him turned into slithering snakes that went on the floor and slithered all over the audience.  
  
The Monkey Queen X, who was cradling her hand, looked up. "Excuse me?"  
  
"I think not." The Dark Man repeated. It was as if the Stephen King creation had finally emerged through all the layers of Gary Stu. Like Gandalf the Grey turning into Gandalf the White, the Dark Man who had once been a demon who pooped in his pants was now a powerful sorcerer.  
  
Instantly, our heroes felt cotton balls in their nostrils, blocking off the stench of the monkeys. Why had this happened?  
  
Some sort of Harry Potter clone thingy flew in the room. His mouth opened and green gas swarmed all over the place. Monkeys screeched and tried to get out as the gas killed them, stretching their screams of pain into grotesque grins.  
  
"No!" Monkey Queen X howled and ran out of the room.  
  
The Big Friendly Killer whale clutched its throat. He fell to the floor as his face involuntarily stretched into that of a clownish grin. The gas slowly faded away as Harry Potter flew out of the room.  
  
The audience and all the Big Friendly animals were dead.  
  
Shannon removed the cottonballs. "Wow!" She said. "I never knew you had it in you!"  
  
"Can we really blame you?" Asked the Walrus.  
  
"Eeeeeew!" Said the Dark Man lifting his foot from a bludgeoned monkey. "I got goo all over my shoe!"  
  
"What happened to the Dark Sorcerer who we just saw?"  
  
"What Dark Sorcerer?"  
  
"Never mind."  
  
They went outside and walked into the tall grass.  
  
Several monkeys followed tripping through the grass.  
  
"HOO HEE HA!" The monkeys screeched. The walrus turned around and saw the progressing apes.  
  
"RUN!" The walnut cried.  
  
One threw a spear. It whizzed by and fell into the grass.  
  
Splotch!  
  
There was a sound of a screech.  
  
There was a swish of a tail as the monkey was pulled under. Then the sound of a shrill screaming filled the air.  
  
"Critics!" Shannon said. "Run!"  
  
One monkey leaped from the grass to lunge on our heroes.  
  
Then, what seemed like some velociraptor with spectacles on jumped from the grass.  
  
"GAAAAAAAAH!" The monkey, Bride of Lister, screamed. "SMEG OFF!!!!!!!"  
  
"Just because some might think you're the bests since Tom Clancy, that doesn't make it constructive." The raptor said in a British accent.  
  
"But I made Artemis hold Holly's b-b-BRAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
"Lemme see that br-br-bra!" The Dark Man joked.  
  
"I think its lemme see that tha-tha-thong."  
  
"Thongs, bras, what's the difference?"  
  
Monkeys were being pulled left and right by the critics.  
  
"My story IS original!" Screeched a monkey as it had its arm ripped off. "No other original girl had purple eyes and brown hair AT THE SAME TIME!"  
  
As they got out, they held their breaths. They're were no monkeys left by the cold silence marked only by the munching of meat and bone.  
  
Then one monkey popped up. "Arrrr!" He cried. "I'll slit ye throat and eat your bones!"  
  
Then a tree lifted up its leg and squashed it.  
  
"That's a relief." Said Shannon. "Let's get out of here."  
  
"Why didn't your dog eat the monkeys?" the Walnut asked Skye.  
  
"He had gas." The three heads of the dog belched in unison.  
  
"Do you have the key?"  
  
The walrus pulled it out. "I do."  
  
Suddenly a thick cord made out of bananas wrapped itself around the walrus. The key flew from his hands.  
  
Monkey Queen X stood on a giant glider powered by banana juices. She wore an armor-plated suit. Large wings came out from her back, all razor- sharp. Her helmet was that of a demonic sprite, making some sort of Cyber Fairy. The banana-rope had come from the rear of the glider.  
  
"No!" The walrus cried. Her Royal Apeness cackled maniacally and grabbed the rope. She flew off and smashed through several walls, bringing the walrus with her.  
  
The two landed on the floor of an abandoned warehouse.  
  
Monkey Queen X punched the walrus. Blood flew from his mouth.  
  
"Misery, misery." She snarled. "That's what you've chosen. I offer you to be sautéed with sausages, mmmmm...sausages, and you spat in my face."  
  
She punched him again.  
  
"You dilapidated camel." She hissed. "You are sick?"  
  
"What's with the question mark? Do you mean I might NOT be sick?"  
  
"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY GRAMMATICAL INCONSISTENCIES!!!!!!!!" SLAM! The walrus went flying.  
  
"Ugh!" He smacked into the wall. She used an uppercut and sent him flying. Then she threw a banana bomb. It exploded and ripped the whiskers across the walrus's face, leaving him dazed.  
  
Her Royal Apeness kept on punching the walrus again and again. She threw him against the wall.  
  
She grabbed a pitchfork. "Had you not been so selfish, your little friends' deaths would have been painless and tasty. But now since you've really pissed me off, I'm gonna finish them just like you: nice...and slow...and, er, untasty." She raised the pitchfork and jammed it toward him. He grabbed it. She pushed forward when the walrus kicked her in the chest she went flying across the room.  
  
It was the walrus's turn now. He was hurt, he was pissed, and he smelt like bananas. With a flip of his flipper, he grabbed her between the two flip-thingies and slammed her back and forth on the wall.  
  
She slid down, beaten. Overwhelmed with rage, the walrus raised a fist.  
  
"No!" She cried. "Wait! Please, help me!"  
  
The walrus stared.  
  
"Thank God for you, Walrus. Thank god for you. You saved me from the inner evil. Please. Help me."  
  
"You tried to kill my friends."  
  
"But not you!" Monkey Queen X cried. "I WUV you!"  
  
Unbeknownst to the walrus, the queen of all apes was controlling the glider. It hovered behind the walrus. Two spikes flipped out from the front.  
  
"Please." The Queen pleaded. "I'm a cannibal. You like cannibals, don't you? I'm just like Jeffrey Dahmer."  
  
"I liked Hannibal Lecter."  
  
"Dahmer, Lecter, what's the difference?"  
  
"There's a whole lot of difference between the two. Just like the difference between us." The walrus said. "You try to emulate my styles but all you can get down pat is the senseless gore. And senseless gore on its own never works."  
  
Then Monkey Queen's face etched into an expression of insanity. Whatever good in her was overrun by the evil.  
  
"Godspeed, Dilapidated Camel."  
  
The glider lunged forward and the walrus leapt up.  
  
It went forward and plunged through Monkey Queen's abdomen.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!" She screamed. She jerked back and forth as blood sprayed all over the floor, mixing with the bananas and forming a ghastly pink. "Gggggggggggggg..."  
  
She plopped forward dead.  
  
"She's dead." The walrus said. "Somehow, I thought it would mean more than this."  
  
The Little Mean Walnut stood outside the warehouse. "I'm going in."  
  
"No!" Shannon said. "Then Monkey Queen will kill him if she knows we're in there."  
  
The walrus came forward from the wreckage.  
  
"What happened?" Asked Shannon.  
  
"Eeeewwwww!" The Dark Man cried. "You smell like banana yogurt!"  
  
"Let's just go." The walrus said. He lifted up the key. "I just want to go home, even if we're on top a doomed train crowded with green-haired midgets."  
  
He inserted it into thin air. A vortex appeared and they all fell forward.  
  
They landed on top of a doomed train crowded with green-haired midgets. Willy Wonka stood before them cackling maniacally.  
  
"You and your big mouth." Pouted Shannon. 


	12. Of drunken fairies, bewildered Artemises...

Chapter 12  
  
Of drunken fairies, bewildered Artemises and sinister Loompas  
  
"FriendlyWalrus: Are you an oompa loompa?  
  
iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: Nope  
  
FriendlyWalrus: Really?  
  
iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: Whos this?  
  
FriendlyWalrus: Willy Wonka  
  
iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: Well, ht  
  
iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: thats intresting  
  
FriendlyWalrus: Oompa-loompa-doopity do  
  
iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: How'd you get my s/n  
  
FriendlyWalrus: By searching in the interests  
  
FriendlyWalrus: I am looking for rogue loompas  
  
iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: where do you live?  
  
FriendlyWalrus: In the Chocolate factory, of course!  
  
iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: oh sorry, how could I forget?  
  
FriendlyWalrus: Have you been stealing the everlasting gobstoppers?  
  
iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: yeah...sorry...  
  
FriendlyWalrus: I want them back!  
  
iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: I didnt think you would notice...  
  
FriendlyWalrus: I AM LORD WONKA! I KNOW EVERYTHING!  
  
FriendlyWalrus: Bow down 2 me, green-haired midget!"  
  
~ An AOL Conversation between FriendlyWalrus and iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa  
  
Willy Wonka stood before the Walrus.  
  
"How did you get here?" He hissed. "Did you get any of my illegal smuggled drugs, er, candy with flying powers? One of my loompas tested those out and he went higher and higher till he suffocated in space. " He gave a demented cackle.  
  
"Why are you doing this?"  
  
"Why can't Mary Sue be original? Why does FanFiction.net make several annoying changes, such as hiding the NC-17 stories and then deleting them entirely? How does writing dirty stories make you a creepy perverted bastard?" He hissed. "The answers of this world don't come wrapped in a shiny little package, m'boy."  
  
"Behind you!" Shannon cried.  
  
The walrus turned around to see an Oompa Loompa come towards him.  
  
"Bloody Hell!" He thought he heard someone say when the Oompa Loompa let out a scream and toppled over the train. The train was now on a thin line between two large cliffs. The midget lost his balance and fell into the abyss.  
  
"CHAAAAAAAAARGE!" Wonka cried.  
  
The Loompas charged forward brandishing weapons. They threw candy bombs and they exploded. The train slightly derailed off the track.  
  
"EEEEEEEEE!" The passengers cried.  
  
Shannon's House, The Realm of Arty FanFics...  
  
Artemis remembered some blurry image and sweet laughter before he had passed out.  
  
He woke up and felt an increasingly painful hangover in him. "Ugh..." He moaned. He looked and saw several beer bottles all over the floor.  
  
He picked one up. It read 'Fairy Whiskey'. It showed a fairy in a revealing outfit drinking the whiskey, and saying "Now THATSH magic!"  
  
Artemis got up and staggered over before toppling back into bed.  
  
He felt something brush against his back. He turned around and picked up something silky soft: a black satin bra.  
  
FanFiction.net...  
  
The Blue Yeti looked outside the window. Karita-Chan sat at her desk.  
  
"How many are there?" It asked.  
  
"Ten thousand."  
  
"Then let them come strong." It said solemnly.  
  
The warriors held their weapons.  
  
The Oompa Loompas hurried across the horizon screaming war cries.  
  
Several hails of bullets greeted them.  
  
Rows of them screamed and fell forward or backwards.  
  
There had to be a thousand more.  
  
Blue Yeti ran down the stairs. "Where are you going?" Karita called.  
  
She got no answer.  
  
Blue Yeti pulled out a harpoon gun and peeked out a window.  
  
It shot it once, and it worked like a fishing rod. It impaled the loompa, and all it could do was scream in agony as it got pulled up towards the hungry jaws of the beast.  
  
It shot it again and again and again till the room was crowded with bloody corpses waiting to be feasted upon.  
  
The Doomed Train...  
  
The train was heading towards the cliff. In 20 minutes they would all be doomed.  
  
The walrus charged forward toward the Candyman.  
  
"Oof!" Wonka cried as he fell on his back. He felt a tusk rip through his cane. He brought it up to see it broken in half. Green stars fizzed from the tip.  
  
"You cost me m'wand, boy!" Wonka screeched and smashed the walrus over the head. His large belly drooped over his pants as his buttons snapped. It hung over the walrus. A drop of foul sweat dripped from the flab and onto the walrus's face. He grimaced.  
  
Shannon's House...  
  
Artemis held the bra in his hands. "What the--?"  
  
He ran downstairs. "Butleeeeeeeeer!" He called.  
  
"Yes, sir?" Butler asked tiredly. He yawned and covered his mouth.  
  
"Do you know what this is?"  
  
"A bra, sir?"  
  
"I know that!"  
  
"Let me see." Butler said and grabbed the bra.  
  
He grabbed it and covered his face with it, inhaling the smell  
  
Holly came downstairs topless.  
  
"Where'sss...sss...mah...my...b...braaaaaaaaa?" She slurred.  
  
Artemis grabbed it from Butler and threw it forward. Holly picked it up and draped it around her neck. "I go now." She slurred. Artemis could smell an aura of vomit around her, and some from the bathroom.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I did here hollering upstairs and the crashing of bottles." Butler said.  
  
"Are you saying that we did IT?" Artemis said. "But she's already pregnant!"  
  
"Ah, ah, ah!" Said Butler. "She was in labor the other day. She gave birth to a wonderful, perfect fairy with wings and jeweled eyes and crimson lips and..."  
  
"A Mary Sue." Artemis grumbled. "Always happens when a guy shags a fairy." He coughed. "So, where was I?"  
  
"In the living room eating caviar." Butler said.  
  
"Damn!"  
  
What looked like an angel flew down the stairs with Legolas.  
  
"I'm joining the Fellowship!" She giggled. "Bye, pa!"  
  
"For God's Sake, you're only two days old!"  
  
"Yes, but I'm already a dazzling teen!"  
  
Outside Legolas went with his new bride.  
  
A red car zoomed by. Gollum was driving it. He was wearing black sunglasses. "Hop in, bay-bee!" He hissed. "We're a highway, my preciousss, yess, and you're going to ride it all night long!"  
  
Legolas giggled and jumped inside. The two drove off kissing.  
  
"My love!" She sobbed and tried catching the two lovers.  
  
She ran down the road.  
  
She turned around to see a car that had 'The Road Virus' painted on its side drive toward her. A man with long blonde hair with a motorcycle jacket on. He was grinning at her.  
  
She noticed his teeth were filed to sharp points.  
  
The Doomed Train...  
  
The walrus kicked up the Lord of Artificial Sweeteners.  
  
"UGH!" He tripped and fell over.  
  
With a roar he smashed the walrus against the ground and then threw him against the cliff.  
  
The walrus felt wind brushing against his face as he was thrown back. He bumped into someone and toppled over.  
  
"Bloody Hell!" the person under the walrus screamed.  
  
The air opened up revealing a boy, a teenager only, with red hair wearing a cloak. The walrus recognized him from the battle with Mary Sue. He recognized the look of rage on his face, and realized that he had been following them ever since that battle.  
  
It was Ron Weasley. 


	13. Weasley

Chapter 13  
  
Weasley  
  
"She really needs to set out her priorities!"  
  
~ Ron Weasley  
  
Ron stood before them.  
  
"So..." He breathed. "We meet again."  
  
"You've been following us, haven't you?" Asked Shannon in a dull voice.  
  
"Of course!" Chuckled Ron. "The invisibility cloak kept me well-hidden."  
  
"Hey!" The Dark Man said. "Why is everything getting so wavy and distorted and stuff?"  
  
"It's the obligatory flashback, you fool!" Ron hissed.  
  
A couple of days, weeks, months ago (whatever...I really don't know how much time passed...)  
  
Harry and his friends were staying at that sexy, smart, funny, PERFECT new girl's house during the vacation.  
  
Ron got up. He heard a noise. "Blimey!" He said. "Harry, wake up!"  
  
"Wha--?" Harry mumbled half-awake.  
  
Ron ran down the hallway. There was a crashing sound.  
  
Be cautious, he thought. Act normal. Don't get her worked up. Act normal. Don't scare her.  
  
He turned around and ran inside.  
  
"Hi, Mary! Thanks for saving Hogwarts from...YOU BLOODY MURDERER!" He cried upon seeing the ghastly sight.  
  
Mary Sue was lying on the floor next to some walrus. One of its tusks was bloody. Ron' s eyes darted toward his angel of perfection to see a large wound.  
  
Ron turned around and began running.  
  
"Its not what it looks like!" The walrus cried out behind him. Ron barely heard him.  
  
Ron burrowed around Harry's closet.  
  
"T-shirts, robes, heeeeeeey! Nice underwear! Pants, shoes....where is that damn invisibility cloak???"  
  
Ron found it and put it on. He looked like a floating head.  
  
"Bloody Hell!" He whispered in his British slang. "That flubbernooger is rip-roaring fantastic, wot wot!"  
  
He ran down the hallway and into the room. The walrus was now standing in front of some portal with some strange people.  
  
"The bloody schloobernooging bastard..." Ron whispered in his nifty British dialect. The portal was about to close up and Ron jumped in.  
  
The vision swirled as the obligatory flashback scene went out of view.  
  
"...and now we meet again, murderer." Ron whispered. Quick as a flash, he whipped out two wands from his robe.  
  
"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Ron let out a battle cry and lunged for the walrus swinging his wands back and forth. The walrus dodged his blows feverishly.  
  
"I didn't kill your girlfriend!" The walrus said.  
  
"Liar!" Ron screamed. He let out a barrage of green sparks. The walrus dodged them and they blasted onto the top of the train, peeling away at its exterior. The blubbery animal tripped and fell into the train.  
  
The walrus was inside the train. He could feel the heat of the eyes staring down his back.  
  
"We're all gonna DIE!!!!!" Screamed an old man with bulging eyes.  
  
Everyone started screaming and the train was of an uproar.  
  
Ron leaped down.  
  
"Now you're mine." He hissed. He warped out his two wands and flipped them around like some ninja weirdo on crack. A series of stars burst out hurtling toward the Big Friendly Walrus.  
  
One of them hit him, burning his shoulder. The others ricocheted around the train. The majority of them hit Mary Sue writers. No great loss there.  
  
The remaining stars zoomed into the cockpit hitting the controls. The train skidded near the edge and stopped.  
  
The walrus wiped sweat from his brow. He let his guard down. And that's when Ron struck.  
  
The deranged British schoolboy lunged forward about to jam the wands through the walrus's soft, moist blubbery midsection when the walrus called out; "Wait!"  
  
Ron stopped. "What?"  
  
"That new girl, whatever, Mary Sue was not your friend. She was one of the last of a dying alien race."  
  
"I LOVED her!"  
  
"She has powers of seduction! I-Its not HUMAN! She's physically perfect! Her only flaws are flat feet! She can do anything she wants! Heck, she can be a guy!"  
  
Ron stopped. "What are you saying? That the girl I loved was some sort of men-attracting alien creature?"  
  
"That, or poorly written self-insertions."  
  
Ron stared at the walrus. He heard the clamor of battles above the train. He stared at the wands.  
  
"Let's kick some loompa-butt." He said in an intimidating voice. He put on black shades.  
  
"Uh-- right." The walrus said. Harry acting like some Aragorn-wannabe on the promo picture for Chamber of Secrets was enough, but this was ridiculous.  
  
Above the train Loompas kept on descending onto the train.  
  
"There's too many of them!" Panted Shannon.  
  
"Pah!" A voice said. Ron stood there. "Such paltry work for someone like me."  
  
"What?" Said the Little Mean Walnut. "Are you going to use some magic?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"Kickass, climatic battling?"  
  
"Not exactly."  
  
"Then what?"  
  
Ron picked up a loompa and began swinging it around. "Geroff me!" It shouted.  
  
"This is a humane way to do it. It just leaves them dazed." He threw it. The loompa let out a scream as he fell off the tracks and into the rocks, leaving a large smear of blood.  
  
"Oops. I guess this is different from the garden."  
  
Shannon picked one up. She was hesitant. They were so CUTE! Then it bit down on her fingers.  
  
"OW!" Shannon roared. "Motherfucker!" She threw the Loompa away. It let out a scream and smashed into the rocks.  
  
Loompas began running in all directions. Some even tripped off.  
  
After all the loompas were gone, the walrus let out a breath. "Thank god."  
  
"I'm a bit stunned." Said a voice. Said Willy Wonka. He held a large sack of candy of his shoulder. "But then again, all those fuckers were good for was a catchy song here and then. I wonder how they are doing over at FanFiction.net?" He pulled out one of his viewing screens and located a viewing screen that showed the tiny cameras placed in the loompas' optic nerves.  
  
Each single screen was static. They were gone. The ones that were working were barely audible and showed something furry and blue's large mouth up close.  
  
Willy Wonka stared in shock. "No..." He moaned. "This isn't happening."  
  
"It is, you bloody git!" Ron cried over-dramatically.  
  
"Are you c-c-CHALLENGING me?" Willy Wonka stared at Ron.  
  
"Bloody sure of it, mate!" Ron said in his British slang.  
  
Willy Wonka jumped on a higher cart, and began throwing candy canes with deadly accuracy. Ron dodged them and threw his wand. Wonka grabbed it effortlessly and threw it back.  
  
It looked as if Ron caught it, but on second look it revealed it had went through Ron's hand.  
  
"Aggh!" Ron said with gritted teeth as he pulled the wand out from his bloody hand. " Crucio!"  
  
Willy Wonka let out a scream of agony. He clutched his head as blood dribbled from his ears. His hat fell off and into the train's hole.  
  
At last it was over. Wonka stood palms first on the train's top. "Foul demon." He breathed.  
  
Ron looked at the candy man, outraged. "Satanic, this! Witchcraft, that!" He said mockingly. "Since when does pointing a wand and eating beans that taste like a baby's shit make you a Satan-in-training?!"  
  
"So, I guess...that...all those religious bigots like Eric Barger were wrong about you...eh?"  
  
"No." Said Ron, and his eyes glowed a crimson red. "They were right."  
  
It seemed the sky lit up with fire for a second. Wonka screamed as frogs rained down from the sky, and rain turned to blood. He crawled forward and stood up. He noticed a wand lying on the ground. Ron's.  
  
"Face my wrath, mortal!" Ron said in a voice yet unlike his own.  
  
"You're good, baby." Wonka said. He threw a Gobstopper with lightning accuracy. It landed in Ron's throat. Ron began choking. "But me?" Wonka whispered. "I'm magic."  
  
He pulled Ron closer. "And for my next trick..." He grinned and pulled out Ron's wand. He jammed into Ron's stomach, impaling him. Ron let out a gasp. The wand did not rip through the back of Ron's robe, but the area around it bulged.  
  
Wonka pulled the wand out, and the bulge disappeared. Ron fell to the ground, motionless.  
  
He looked at the wand and threw it aside.  
  
"NO!" The walrus cried.  
  
Wonka let out a sick laugh and threw an exploding sucker. It went off with a boom.  
  
The walrus was thrown back and crashed into the walnut.  
  
"I...can't do...it." The walrus whispered to his butler. "I'm...nothing now."  
  
"Ha! You think you're nothing? I'm just a character based on one of Blue Yeti's puns! I have no personality! You're not nothing!"  
  
"Was that supposed to make me feel better?"  
  
"Yes, you stupid schmuck." The walnut said. "Get him. Kill the beast once and for all."  
  
The confidence now back, the walrus leapt forward.  
  
One was going to die in this fight. Some already had. He just hoped he wouldn't be among them. 


	14. Charlie

Chapter 14  
  
Charlie  
  
"Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy."  
  
Benjamin Franklin  
  
(A/N: The events in this chapter serve as a prologue and an epilogue to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and also sets up Wonka's character as he is presented in this story)  
  
5 Years Ago:  
  
The Blue Yeti handed the walrus a fancy pen. "I geev thees to future writerz, even zum as zick as you."  
  
"Right." The walrus said. "The pen is mightier then the sword."  
  
"Yep!" Blue Yeti said. "It is much more agonizing to have a pen driven through your eyez rather than a quick decapitation by zord."  
  
"Not what I meant, but still..." The walrus said pocketing the pen. He didn't use it much, but it did help him in important future events when he needed it most.  
  
In a country far, far away an oompa-loompa lay in a drunken haze on his cheap bed.  
  
"Ah, my head loompa. My most trusted friend. " Said a voice next to him. "I almost gave up on finding you. As I was wondering how my candies got in the hands of rivals, how my company slowly lost profit as those scoundrels made money come right out of their fucking asses I remembered something. We were having a beer at the bar, and I remember you saying you wanted to rent a cheap house in the middle of nowhere, gorge yourself on chocolate and drink yourself to death."  
  
The loompa groggily opened his eyes.  
  
"And here I find you, living the dream."  
  
A figure was sitting on the chair next to his bed. On his lap was a large rifle.  
  
The loompa took a swig of beer. The bitter taste ran down his throat.  
  
"Wonka, I didn't give any secrets away. I was always your loyal assistant."  
  
"And did you REALLY think that showing my most prized secrets to complete strangers-- spies --was what I wanted you to do?"  
  
"Under the circumstances--"  
  
Wonka's face peered out from the shadows. "Be quiet!" It hissed.  
  
"Do you know how much I hate children?" He said with a sneer. "Their little greedy mouths, their bloated faces..." He shuddered. "I'm going to have invite several of these repulsive...things...into my factory just to get a little buzz. To make my factory come out on top. I'm going to have all my human workers get fired, or have accidents." At this, he gave a laugh. Specially rigging certain devices so the slacker of that day would get brutally slaughtered always made him happy. "Your brothers and sisters will replace them." He closed his eyes, and then opened them again. "Do you know how much I have set back by your putrid blunders?"  
  
The loompa took another swig of beer. He wiped his mouth with the back of hand. His eyes had the glazed look of a drunk, but his voice was sober.  
  
"As this is probably our last conversation, I want you to think what type of man you are, Wonka. What type of man would spend the majority of his adult life making chocolates for people you despise? Lord knows it doesn't pay the bills."  
  
Wonka pointed the gun at the loompa's face and cocked it.  
  
"What type of man, I ask you, would be such a disgusting creature as you. What type of man who enjoys tormenting peoples as long as he gets a cheap little song off it? L'chaim, fatty."  
  
Outside the house the lights were off.  
  
For a split second they were on.  
  
BLAM!  
  
And then they were off.  
  
Several months later  
  
On the glass elevator, Charlie looked at the other children go. He had won the contest, and the others had a lifetime supply of chocolate. As that would atone for the torment they suffered.  
  
They had flaws; they were spoiled rotten, and a bit greedy, yes but did they deserve to be mutilated while green-haired imps sang satiric songs of their doom?  
  
Willy Wonka made small quips at the children's disfigurements. Mike Teevee was now freakishly long and thin. Wonka laughed, saying he would be a good basketball player.  
  
Charlie glanced into the man's eyes, and saw insanity.  
  
Several months later, Charlie went to bed and Grandpa Joe tucked him in.  
  
"Grandpa?"  
  
"Yes, Charlie?"  
  
"I've been thinking." Charlie said. "D'you...d'you think Wonka's a bit crazy?"  
  
Grandpa sighed. "Yes, I believe he is somewhat loony."  
  
"Did you see what he did to those kids?"  
  
"Well, they weren't exactly the nicest of people."  
  
"What, so you believe a girl who likes to chew gum should have her skin changed the color purple?" Charlie said, aghast. "I read in the newspaper that she committed suicide! Just grabbed a big wad of chewed gum and stuck it down her throat till she choked. Do you believe she deserved it?" He shuddered, imagining Violet's glazed eyes, her bloated purple skin and the gum spilling from her mouth.  
  
Grandpa was silent on this.  
  
"I'm scared, Grandpa." Said Charlie. "So scared.  
  
Tears ran down Grandpa's face. He hugged Charlie tight. "Me too, Charlie. Me too."  
  
The next day Wonka got the family right to work. Every one, from to Charlie to Grandma Georgina.  
  
"But we're so...tired." Moaned Grandpa George.  
  
"Get up, you worthless sack of shit!" Wonka tittered. "Did you really think if you were going to live in the Chocolate Factory, you'd just sleep and gorge yourself on chocolate? Get up!"  
  
The whole family was sent to work in The Chocolate Room. With it lush, sweet edible grass to the plants that worked as teacups, it was a fine place to relax and eat. But not to work.  
  
Charlie had to plant new fields of grass, as the grass was artificial. Sweat ran down his face. He had never been so hungry. He longed for the days of soup and bread in the run-down shack.  
  
He plucked a single blade of grass, and stuck it into his mouth. It was lovely! It was sweet! Delicious! He could eat like a--  
  
CRACK!  
  
"Yeaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!" Charlie screamed as the whip was brought down on towards his back with a snap.  
  
"Get to work!" Shouted Wonka. "No time for eating now!"  
  
Charlie sobbed silently.  
  
Grandma Josephine looked at the oompa-loompa working beside her.  
  
"Hello." She said kindly. Her withered old face stretched in a friendly grin.  
  
The loompa looked at her with a solemn, unblinking expression for a long time. It sent a chill down her spine. The loompa stared at her some more and went back to work.  
  
Grandma Josephine moved on, tending to some licorice vines. Unknown to her, she got her foot caught in one. As she finished, she walked forward and tripped, the vine holding her down.  
  
SNAP!  
  
"Ow!" She cried in her shrill voice. "My ankle! Somebody, help! My ankle!"  
  
Wonka walked towards her, and crouched down so he was height-to-height to her. He had a jolly grin on his face.  
  
"Do you need help?" He said in a friendly voice."  
  
"Y-yes." She said, tears running down her wrinkled face.  
  
He pulled out a gun and cocked it. He pointed it toward her head.  
  
"Here it is."  
  
BLAM!  
  
"Noooooooooo!" Cried Mr. Bucket at the sight of his mother lying sprawled facedown on the ground "You-you disgusting thing! You monster!"  
  
"The feeling is mutual, old bean." He fired the gun and blew him away. Mr. Bucket's faceless corpse fell backwards onto the ground.  
  
Wonka tilted the gun around, firing in all directions.  
  
Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam!  
  
Charlie screamed in horror as pretty much everyone he called 'family' fell to the ground, their mouths wide open in surprise, their unblinking eyes filled with horror.  
  
Everyone, with the exception of Grandpa Joe and Charlie, was dead.  
  
"Run, Charlie!" Said Grandpa Joe. "RUN!"  
  
Wildly dodging bullets, he pushed the little boy ahead and the two began running out the door and into a maze of rooms and corridors just as a bullet went into his thigh.  
  
"Gaah!" He cried as he saw blood rise under his pants. Clenching his teeth, he pulled Charlie ahead.  
  
"You can't hide from me, you shriveled old fuck!" Screeched Wonka hot on their trail. "No one can! When I'm done with you, you'll wish you were back at your friggin' tarpaper shack you called a house, starving to death!!"  
  
They ran into one room that was filled with smoking pipes filled with steam. Several stains that appeared to be rust were on the wall. It was a dead end. It led to no other room.  
  
They could hear Wonka's footstep close behind him.  
  
"Hide!" Whispered Grandpa. Charlie climbed into a cabinet.  
  
"I'll always love you!" Said Charlie.  
  
"Me too, Charlie. Me too."  
  
The door swung open. Wonka now held a small wand filled with sugar.  
  
Grandpa stood there alone.  
  
"Where's the little shrimp, old man?" Said Wonka.  
  
"I don't know." Said the old man. "We got separated."  
  
"You lie." Said Wonka. "Answer me!"  
  
Grandpa felt himself being pulled towards the demented creature.  
  
Wonka grabbed him by the cuff of his shirt. He punched Grandpa in the ribcage. He could feel very brittle bones cracking. The old man let out a scream.  
  
"Answer me!"  
  
Grandpa Joe stared at him in the eye. "Never." With that, he spat in Wonka's face.  
  
"Agh!" Wonka said. He lifted the frail old man above his head. The old man stared down, at him silent.  
  
Charlie peered through the small crack in the cabinet, tears silently streaming down his face. He could barely see, but he could hear perfectly.  
  
He heard a brittle snapping sound, a moan and the sound of something heavy hit the floor. Charlie let out a small cry as he realized his beloved grandfather was dead.  
  
Wonka dropped the corpse. The old man fell to the floor, his head at an impossible angle.  
  
He thought he heard something. Had he? His nostrils flared. He walked on all fours, sniffing around.  
  
"I know you're in here, you little brat." Wonka said, his voice hoarse and wary. "Come out.........and I'll give you.........some candy."  
  
Charlie shrank back as far as he could inside the cabinet, silently sobbing. He could feel the hot breath of the madman vent inside like steam. He must've been a centimeter outside now.  
  
Charlie closed his eyes. Minutes passed. He clenched his eyes shut. He shut his mouth, and he didn't dare utter a single breath.  
  
He slowly opened his eye to feel the cabinet topple over forwards. Charlie let out a scream.  
  
The wood above him shattered as a hand broke through it. It grabbed him by the cuff of his collar.  
  
Charlie found himself in the grip of Wonka.  
  
He let out a small scream. "Let me go, you monster! Let me go!"  
  
Wonka grinned. His teeth, once nice, straight and white that showed a joyous if mischievous grin on them were now crooked shingles to a house full of screaming madmen. "You've been naughty, little boy." He said. "You need to be punished. Chastised." His hand slipped on one of Charlie's buttocks, caressing it.  
  
Charlie let out a scream of pain and rage. He grabbed at Wonka's hands. Wonka let out a scream and dropped Charlie on the floor. He looked at his now-smoking hands. The hands turned to sand, and then crumbled to the floor.  
  
"What is this magic?" He said with a loud scream. "I should only be getting blisters!"  
  
Ah, but Wonka did not know the powers of special effect budgets and cheesy scripts.  
  
Charlie lunged forward and ripped open Wonka's shirt revealing puckered nipples and sagging man-tits.  
  
Charlie pulled at the two man-tits. They began to hiss and smoke and fall to the ground in clumps of sand.  
  
Wonka let out a scream and ran off. "Go away, you're insane!"  
  
Charlie let out a wild cry and jumped on Wonka. He grabbed both sides of his face.  
  
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!" Wonka screamed. His words began turning into unintelligible mumbles as his face began to collapse in and disintegrate. His eyes bulged in before turning into blobs of mintjelly.  
  
Wonka fell forward, nothing now but a bunch of old clothes filled with sand.  
  
Charlie bent forward kicking at the sand, screaming. Then he collapsed on his grandpa's corpse, sobbing uncontrollably. He realized that the love of his dead grandpa had saved his life and had made him untouchable to Wonka.  
  
After a minute or so, Charlie got up and wiped his eyes. He grabbed the hat from the twisted mess on the floor and walked through the maze of tunnels and rooms into the Chocolate Room.  
  
The walls were stained with blood. Corpses littered the room. Loompas began sobbing.  
  
Charie stood in the doorway.  
  
"Ahem."  
  
The Loompas looked at him in unison. Charlie held up the hat.  
  
"He's gone now." Charlie said. "Gone."  
  
The strange little people danced up and down with joy. They began singing merry songs in their own foreign language.  
  
"Go forth and begin your new lives!" Said Charlie throwing the hat to the ground.  
  
The Loompas ran off. After a month or so, they found a strange little man who lived in his mother's basement called the Plot Hole man. The Plot Hole Man was like the Oompa Loompas in many ways; he was short, fat with odd- colored hair and he loved to sing songs.  
  
Charlie went to a low class orphanage, being as all of Wonka's funds were chocolate.  
  
The factory became neglected. The machines grew rusty. The Chocolate Room was filled with the hum of buzzing insects, feasting on the rotting fruit and decaying plants.  
  
Deep in corridors was a pile of sand and some worn-away clothes.  
  
The sand began to move into a glistening blob of gelatinous goo.  
  
The goo pushed itself apart as hand reached out. It grew longer and longer until it seemed a disembodied hand was in the middle of the room.  
  
"This.........is God."  
  
Charlie got up from bed, feeling a sudden flash of pain on his left buttock. It hadn't hurt this way since Wonka had touched it a long time ago.  
  
Charlie closed his eyes, and he saw a naked blob-like thing crawling across the floor grinning, its large pendulous belly ripping open and legs sluggishly forming.  
  
Charlie opened them. He ran out of the room with a muffled scream.  
  
He needed somewhere to hide, but had nowhere to go.  
  
Day after day, he slept in different houses fearful for his life. Fearful for the vengeance of the Candy Man.  
  
One time, he thought himself lucky. He found himself in the house of an extremely attractive woman whom he found perfect in almost every way except for flat feet.  
  
Charlie slept in comfortable beds, and if he were really lucky the woman would seduce him.  
  
One day he woke up with extreme pain in his left buttock. He looked around. The window was shattered.  
  
The only people in the room were the Plot Hole man and his Oompa Loompas.  
  
Suddenly the door slammed open. Charlie let out a silent scream as Wonka stepped inside, a murderous gleam in his eyes.  
  
Wonka's eyes surveyed the room. His breath stank of cheap whiskey.  
  
From his pants, he pulled out a long rifle. He cocked it and shot the Plot Hole Man.  
  
BLAM!  
  
Blood showered the spawn of Roald Dahl in thick ropes.  
  
The Oompa Loompas began screaming frantically in their foreign language.  
  
"Damn sons of bitches." He growled. "Runnin' away from yer master! You work for me! YOU BELONG TO ME! Did you think Charlie exiling me from the factory would keep me away from him? I had worked hard to gain power, and something as silly as the love of his dead grandpa would save him?"  
  
Charlie gulped. Did he know he was in here? He was silent, and he backed off into the corner. Hopefully in his rage he would not spot him.  
  
An Oompa Loompa crawled towards Wonka.  
  
"Please, forgive us master! Forgive us all!"  
  
The purple-clothed figure pulled out a candy wand.  
  
"Crucio!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The Oompa Loompa writhed on the ground in agony.  
  
"The Candy Man doesn't forgive.........nor does he forget."  
  
Willy Wonka walked around the circle of huddling midgets.  
  
"Foolish, foolish people. Being the workers of a great candy factory or the muses of a man singing about plot holes in a deranged homicidal maniac who craves for attention's story!"  
  
"Y-you've been reading Blue Yeti's psychological handbook haven't you?" Asked an Oompa Loompa.  
  
"What if I did?" Breathed Wonka, his alcohol-breath staining the fresh air.  
  
He walked back. "However, if you prove yourselves worthy of my power then you shall be welcomed into my open arms again. Kill Charlie Bucket!"  
  
Charlie shrank back. He knew he was in here!  
  
With a roar, he grabbed Charlie. Charlie's eyes were wide with fear.  
  
"KILL HIM WHO DARES DEFY THE CULT OF WONKA!"  
  
"Yes, oh mighty lord of Artificial Sweeteners!"  
  
"Please!" Charlie sobbed. "Spare me!"  
  
"KILL HIM!" Screeched Willy Wonka, his eyes full of insanity.  
  
The Oompa Loompas descended upon Charlie. "NOOOOOOOO!" Howled Charlie. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"  
  
The Loompas grabbed and pulled at him breaking bones and ripping flesh. Even his screams of agony were not loud enough to drown out the maniacal laughter of Wonka. He begged for the darkness but it never came. 


End file.
